I try to find clarity in this constantly changing world.
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Layout: vehemency
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the other nite i got a msg from someone..saying..
dawn u were unique, n now ur losing wadever attracts ppl to you.
ok
well, i'll admit my first thought was..
damn that idiot, i know i've changed but heck care, don't have much to live for.
but...
as long as i'm still living there's no way i can't care.
so..
i started analysing myself...why where and how i changed.
firstly..
why i changed?
frankly..i don't know.even if i said it ppl wouldn't understand.
so..
where i've changed?
1. i'm much more rebellious
2. have very frequent temper explosions
3. my language changed
4. i'm stressed!
5. no qualms about overdosing
6. or 'playing' with a penknife
7. often have the 'damn you, do i look like i care??' attitude.
8. believe me, i'm so tempted to 'really' swear
that's what i can see...
yeah..
and how i've changed in these ways?
most of it except number 4, boils down to this. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
why don't i care?
good question.
not so much that life sucks..
but..
i feel it's more because..
i'm just tired..
tired of pretending.
tired of fighting to laugh when i dont' feel like it..
so i express what i'm relaly feeling.
take after my first breakup for example.
there were times i felt really depressed.
and confused.
but because i forced myself to smile and get on with life, all the friends i made during that time said i was always cheerful.
how ironic.
but this time..
not that it's the same thing..
i just can't seem to paste a smile on and make it slowly become real.
what's my problem?????
not to mention the fact i seem to have a problem with my used-to-be best friend.
what's HER problem???
or is it mine and mine alone?
life is so confusing.
i want to scream and cry but i just sit at my desk everyday and stare at the books.
and lie awake at night crying.
oh..
no thanks of course to SOMEONE who helps me cry sometimes. haha.
seriously though..
i don't know what's keeping me alive till now.
obviously 200g of tramadol isn't enough to kill me.
took my second dose on..monday. yeah..
back to my used to be best friend,
i don't know what is going on with us..
really..
trust mi..i never meant for things to turn out this way..
but since when does life go the way we want it to??
anyway.
i never had a problem with someone being more popular than me.
plse...that would be considered bitchy...
so..
what is my problem with her??
why issit i suddenly resent her so freaking much?
somebody tell me....
cause i have no strength left to figure it out..
goodbye....
hope i blog again....
Boo!
today was interesting...
lucky i took the sedative..
so can keep calm
HAHA.
anyway.....
yesterday's sports day was so tiring.
leave the house at 0630
reach there n wait for sooo long for my frenx to show up..
then the thingy start.
HA.
mr spastic bunny,,
led out in the warmup stretching....
so hilarious..
so..
then run around the 400 m track once...
so fun!!
mi and devi catch up with out mummy..
den chase our bro...
so tiring but so fun..
haha =)
den later in the telematch...
the football was so hard to kick!
and the race was tiring.
sobsob..
go home n sleep...
write book report at night
sleep
end of day.
hellozz
depressed
cause of a very very weird dream...
haven't dreamt abt tad person for a long time ...
but this time it was a seriously depressing dream..
but it had it's funny points too.
how ironic.
i dreamt someone was with one of my bestiies..
as in
with her
bf/gf
then he broke with her after one day
and went with another school friend..
and then..
bcoz of some funeral..
the gal cried on his tie..
[don't ask wads with the tie]
so..
i very 'sian-ed-ly'
handed him a tie...
n while i did..
i remembered thinking.
this is MR JACOB'S tie.
HAHAHAHAHA
okay...wadeva..
someone's making me jealous again.
sheesh...would have thought she'd have learned her lesson??!!
DAMN
oh wadeva..
WHATEVER!!
i'm just ignoring it...instead of ignoring her.
haha
i dunno lah..
i just have this heck-care attitude.
n not in the places where i should be having it.
oh well..
maybe it's time to overdose again..
who knows..
who cares..
i don't..
lol..
in parting..
HITSUGAYA is driving me NUTS.
X))
rawk on ppl..
okay
i really dunno what on earth i'm doing
but it seems like a reasonable enough thing to do.
firstly, let's see why i'm doing this although i never thought i would..
1. he's a nice and swt guy. n i like him more than i would like a regular friend.and as a regular friend, he would keep asking n asking n asking so that it becomes harder n harder to find reasons why i say no without making him depressed.
2. i am trying to forget about someone who i told i liked and who lied big time back to me in return. well, at first i felt it might not be fair to X if i went with him while still in the process of forgetting someone else, but he said he doesn't mind.
3. this relationship will help me to settle down [i guess ppl call it being tied down] so i cannot in any good concience think abt the person mentioned above.
okay. let's go into number 2 in more detail ba.
beginning of the year
i discovered i liked someone since last yr
and unfortunately had a misunderstanding with that someone because of mi secret crush on him
so thus and therefore
i make a big mistake? of telling him my feelings to explain
and that's where the deception starts
suffice to say
i find out only after a month
during which i didn't eat or study well
when i found out...
instead of being mad at being lied to
i just got depressed
emo sadistic
don't ask for details
just included scarring.
anyway.
after another month of playing with a penknife
i decided to move on
which kinda leaves me right here
really wondering what i'm doing.
HA.
u know..all this didn't need to happen if i never existed.
sometimes just wish this life would end so the confusion and pain can end too.
dun blame anyone...
just want to ask..
why couldn't u have told mi the truth in the first place..
rather than give me one month to belive in something which never existed?
WHY?
thing is i can't talk to you now..
or i'd beg u for an explanation...
so now..
i'm never going to know...
don't ask who mr X is..don't ask who the someone is.. suffice to say one of the three of u asked me b4 n i said it wasn't. ha. so now i admit it ba. wad's past is past. that's wad i'm trying to remember anyway.
ciiao ppl.