I try to find clarity in this constantly changing world.
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Okayys. week's ended. is that good or bad? well. it's bad cause it's going to be one heck of a boring wkend. not that i want it anyother way actually. lol.but on sunday i might be going to Sentosa leh..might be worthwhile. XP that ALL depends if SOME people asks my dad or not. heehee.i'd like to see them squirm while they ask him. HAHAHA. si bai chi...X)) but i promise if u ask, i will go. heh. ok. todya had chemistry again. and this time i learned a BIT more since we had to do this exercise at the end, but it was still...pretty much a waste of time. lol. i got kinda sad near the end of the lesson...cause i realized i lost my nerve to go to e cinema, n then was scared Devil might be pissed. [so sry ,girl!! don angry kae?? T.T] i was really scared lah, guess i'm not as angsty as before.. mayb next wk, when my dad makes me angry..i'll go with u k? =) i really want to..just that i just couldn't today. oh yeah, also cause my dad imposed a 6pm curfew for friday evening..so it wasn't possible too. haiiz. i was looking forward to it siahx.
well. other than the movie thing.. nothing too eventful happened today in school...other than the fact i pranked someone AGAIn today. haven't reply yet. stoops idiot. hehe. but nvm..whaddya expect from a guy that thinks he's too cool to even open his 'jin zui' to talk to ppl like us. hmph.
and then during the freee period i asked him to help me pass my book to Pim..n he didn't even look my way when i called his name lor. damn idiot. but FINALLY i got a reaction when i said the words 'pass to Pim',...LOL.. so i killed two birds with one stone, n part of my pride along with it i guess. talk to him for the first time in a month[not counting sms] and give him a GOLDEN opportunity to talk to Pim. hehe. hope he APPRECIATES it the poker faced idiot. heeh.
isn't it strange..i supposedly like him[according to everyone who knows i admire him] and yet i'm giving him even more opportunities to talk to my major 'rival'. but the thing is..i'm NOT in love with him!! get it???? i'm NOT. omiigosh how many times have i had to say this since a month ago???? oh but then again..who knows... bleahx!!
anyway. my 'mummy' n 'daddy' who are ting n lorenz..have split. however they are better than their 'son' and 'daughter' dana and me, who don't really keep in touch after breaking up. howver, i realized there are still affections here[mi . dana] and i'm consternated at why. well...guess u can't help but get touched by this guy who seems to be so much in love with u. and so willing to...oh well..make alot of sacrifices and concessions. yeah. so much so to the point i told my mom [tingting] that i was considering going back with him. well, he's too scared to ask lah..i told him that if he did he was wasting his time[in a fit of pissedness] so i'll likely hafta do the asking. nothing difficult..but i'm not sure about it lah. so my mom[tingting] said that if i decided to really go back with dana, she would go back with my dad[lorenzo] on the same day. hmmm. i really considered it for quite awhile, seeing as almost everyone wants me back with him. but i doubt the sanity of this decision. i mean, he's sweet and all but i think the affection i have for him is more or less protective n maternal or smthing. cause i definately don't really admire him or anything along that lines. he has yet to grow quite a bit more. haiizz.
then again, this situation is weird. cause it's like, i still have special feelings of somesort for him, so much so that if i saw him getting bullied by some guy it would lead to me trying to give the guy a bruise[ it's easy since the guy can't hit me back. i'm a girl-u didn't KNOW?? XP] and lots of comments on how we must be having a relationship of sorts when we aren't. so it'll just lead to me getting more frustrated lah.
but then on the other side of it, i can't deny i have a whole lot more 'passion' for this someone who i withhold from naming, and so it just wouldn't be a very good idea-this relationship. lol.
okay. enuf about this relationship stuff! my daddy n mommy[school ones!!] just talked for..5 HOURS! omiigosh!! what's this!! so pro siahx. =P
hello.
omg. why am i saying 'hello' like nothing happened??
excuse me!!! this is like, the peak of my life!!!!! haha!!! i feel like i've broken into heaven after fighting thru hell!okok, the hell part is an exaggeration la. anyway. today. no tuition! and no h/w! so i quickly take the opportunity to blog. cause i have so many things that's been going thru my mine, 99% of which i can't remember anymore so it won't be coming here. anyway, after reading the one percent here, u most likely don't wanna hear/read the other 99%. lolx.so. the good or the bad first? i think good first! haha.
GOOD:
i'm still addicted to bleach fan-fic! haha. omg. they rock. those pple who write it rock so much. just read the latest chaper to Best I Am[ dunno whre the title comes from] n then i started crying. it was SO touching n emotion wracking! sheesh. but then i guess some pple would read it n say' touching meh??' well. u see, when u read fiction, especially short stories. u do not read it word for word. U read it swiftly, so the words can fly into ur mind and conjure up amental picture. if u read the words sooo ultra painfully one by one, and try to figure out the meaning of every word, u'll never ever get touched or awed by anything u read. haha. just my lil opinion. OK. enough reading. today in chem class, it was so absolutely great. mi n two other ENVY-iians sat in the third row from e back, and then the teacher forced the whole row of guys right at the back to move. heehee. said they weren't allowed to sit at the back. oooh i love u mr fam. for today only howeva. =)) so Monkay,cloudo,mico tangah, AND the asshole that starts with 'A'*coughcough* moved ,albiet with much complaining, to sit in the row infront of us. now this was just perfect. hehe. except i was fored to watch someone flirting with someone the whole way..which was kinda sickening since she wasn't even pretty. heh. sry..i'm mean. but then again considering the fact that she even went with one of the two 'oddest' ppl in our class, she's kinda...despo. well. speculation. but then again, she's e same race as someone..so of course someone will flirt with her. lol. not like i care. right? anyway. it was still super fun!
we tore out this piece of paper, n then listed down all the assholes we knew. like, the one that starts with 'A', 'S', and the three act cool guys. yeah. then we slammed them to bits on the back of the paper. oooh sweet. then we tore up the paper into four n distributed it among us ENVY-iians. LOL.
Today in chem, when mr Fam was doing this numerical game with us[he was in a RARE good mood. n i mean RARE. like, the first time in the whole yr practically] our dear mr MonkAy..coughyogicough...kept shouting the number 69. as in. 69. 69. yeah. get it? 69. HAHAHA. oh. n someone got told off by mr Fam. like. mr Fam got sick of someone's crapping so he was like..shutting him up, n said his name with this totally exaggerated way. banaaanaaaaa. that was an example btw. ok. so i had to split with devil after chem since i had piano n all. sobsob farewell my dear sistar. but then, tml going to her house to do the irritating bio project. ahha. alls well that ends well eh? haha. my dear triplet/sister/niece/cousin/grand-daughter. grand-daughter thru PiPim, cousin thru enlin, niece thru my daughter thitima, and triplets thru someone. it just dawned on me[no pun intended] that if u are someone's twin, and ur my twin, then doesn't that make us triplets? sheesh. freaky. doesn't that make my feelings supremely INCESTUOUS?? and not to mention, he's supposedly my unacclaimed grandfather AND father? omg. i'm going crazy!! anyway. back to the very interesting chem lesson, in which i learned one thing and only one. there's such a thing as electrolytes, and if ur at the bottom like Anthony, ur supposedly the most stable AND best. OH WHAT CRAP.oh yeah, and electrolytes are substances that conduct electricity. HAHA.wasn't that in some very very former grade? like...sec one? or even primary? okok. anyway. in our spare momens[which was most of the time] we[sher, dev, mi] vented our pissedness and frustrations on the back of someone's very unsuspecting head. hehe. someone will never know how close he came to being stabbed with devil's sylvester bunny sicssors// and how many times he was shown the third finger and how many mild indecencies [shuddup u irritating/pig/idiot/asshole with no brain and a mouth larger than a pancake. shuddup cause ur getting way too irritating n we're gonna need a straightjacket for ourselves SOON, to prevent the fact that u might get severe brain damage and even bodily manhandling or is it womanhandling.]were silently mouthed at his very annoying head.yeah.
anyhoo. someone wasn't in shcool today. hmph. i wonder who. u better get ya self back in school soon okay? plse? =) guaiii...
where was i? someone's IMing me now..hmm. ooh ok. mr warcrafter himself. lolx. Ganju-kun. now has a new nickname. emoticon-boy. hahahah. eh..wadvrrrrr...
okay. now for some proper bashing. don't go around thinking ur all so good and kind and sweet. so poorthing, and always the pitiable lil victim who needs to be more mean to others. oh please. i'm sick of this sorta attitude. it's the most sickening kind. bitchy. and in a guy it's worse than asshole-ish or bastard-ish. hmph. i tell all of u ppl with this mind set one thing. just one simple thing-i wish i never had to know u so i could walk away out of ur life scot free without obligations of any sort. i wish i could perform mindwipe on u so that the name 'dawn' never existed in ur life. oh yes. i know i sound bitchy and mean and who knows whatever else u wanna think of me. but i'm sorry. i'm dawn, i write my mind. especially here. damn. u think the world is supposed to bend to ur every whim and fancy? to twist upside down so u can obtain ur desired results? hmph. think again babe. u got alot of disapointment in store for ur lil mind. stand up n prove yourself. don't go around thinking ur so poorthing and always hurt by ppl when it's ur own fault AND choice to ALLOW it to happen. hello? in my opinion, despite whatever i said b4, it's more like u are too demanding of ppl not too nice to ppl. plse. ur only prob is that u pull friends close to urself too quick. too soon. and why? hmm. i even begin to question that now. sry. i'm not so tolerant ever since 2oo6 started. i won't tolerate someone new acting like a spoiled kid who thinks he's so cute and SWEET. oooh kami-sama help me. one was okay, and that one wasn't so extreme. in fact that one was cute in that one's own right. but thanks to fate, btwn all of u, who knows what will happen to that one now? which is why i want to wash my hands of this affair. and of everything connected to the tooting place i met all of u. seems like the coward's way out, but I DON"T CARE. i don't give a darn about how any of this appears to any of u. i want out!!! I WANT OUT!! staying would be just too, painful for one, and infuriating for the other. it's no good being half in half out. i just want a complete out!
ok.calm dowwwwnnnn...
ok. in chapel today. our dearly beloved principle.went on and on and on until there wasn't any time left for singing. hmph. worst was he even began going on about how he's SUCH a great and dedicated teacher for SOOO many years. *applause* when he finally finished, we[the students] gave him a rousing but SARCASTIC round of applause. he's incorrigible. even the teachers were miffed. and i MEAN miffed. lolx. oh. and our dear mr Yeang, gave this totally life-changing, school-shaking, happiness-inducing, announcement! HANDPHONES ALLOWED IN SCHOOL! omg. we cheered man. for a looong time. hehe. and then mr Tang had to go n grab the mike [that hates him btw, keeps dropping whenever he uses it] and tell us all sorts of things we didn't care to know, like the fact that keeping the HP in ur pocket too long could destroy ur sperm n leave u impotent for the guys, and that he was SOO surprised at how much our HPs meant to us. =.='''
The sec 3-2 and 3-3 SYAS Student's prayer:
Dear God.
save me from the words of mr tang,
shield me from the wrath of mr fam,
deafen me to the nagging of mr yeang,
smarten me to do the homework of mr chee,
numb me to the cockyness of mrs liah,
enlighten me to the mood swings of mrs low,
keep me in the graces of ms tan,
translate the meaning of mdm ning,
decipher the writing of mdm chern,
energize me to keep up with mr jacob.
and lastly,
grant me the ability to keep my food down while looking at mr phua.
Amen.
omiiiigoooshhhhh i haven't blogged for soooo long!!!! HEHEHEHE... anywayyy. i've been so so so so hyper these few days, dont' know why. n i can't sleep at night cause i keep thinking about stuff i wanna write or TRY to write..n then all the scenes from the bleach fan-fic i read b4 i slp just flies in circles around me. so all in all, i've been kinda sleeping late n waking up late. n which means i'm still feeling SUPER SUPER hyper...for no reason. hmm.
well..but i've been thinking alot too, yeah,..exept when i'm not thinking about my BELOVED byakuya and ichigo n hitsugaya n renji n all those peeps. HAHAHA. so...one of the things i thougth about..was..obviously...about hitsugaya. as in, the life hitsugaya.the one who goes to a singapore school. the one i totally ignore[try] and never talk to.i don't know why..but i realized i'd be just as happy even if he started going after another girl. i mean, hell, i decided it was WAY irrational to think of us ever being tgh. n if he went n got a gf, hey, i'm cool with it. lolx. funny reasoning. but makes sense to me. that's all that matters isn't it?
anyway. i guess cause that's cause i found a more impt purpose to my life than falling head over hells for that hitsugaya[real one]...i can try writing bleach fan-fic!! n i can of course start studying more. so as to achieve better grades for my bleasted chinese next exam. HAHAHA//okayokay i know i sound geeky..nerdy...but WHATEVER!!! since when does the fact that i have moi pride n wanna get gd grades make me a geek? or nerd? hmph. it's moi bloody ego that's not gonna let me accept a fail for ANY subject. oh except mayb chinese...*whistles* who cares about that nasty lil language??BUT THEN AGAIN..my tuition teacher n school teacher does! argh...n for some strange reason, even my math teacher sees it fit to laugh at my chinese. =.=''' where the hell is the proffessionalismmm???!!! hehehe.... oh but nvm, at least can make her laugh no?okokok i gtg...dinner with grands soon..gramps bdae today..so must go change n alll...=.=''' haii... hols ending soon!!! argh!!
but then...
I CAN SEE DEVIL N SHER N all the other quirky ppl who make life in shcool rock to pieces. XD
SEE U PEEPS IN ??? 4^24 hrs +++ heheheh
OKAY..here i am back again!! hehe...
i donno why i'm blogging so freaking much this wk! haahaha.
let's resume from where i left off in my last post. hehe. i went to slp, cause my stomach was sooo pain, then woke up at..3:30? lazed arnd in bed at 4..then got up n watched 15mins of some stoops anime thing. AND THEN...i had to practise piano. *sighs* and then, when my mom came home, we decided to have dinner. hehe.i ate SO MUCH! >.< and just when i thought i was going to be able to finish my rice, my dad 'asked' me if i wanted more rice. so i consented, somewhat warily. !!!!!! he put SO much rice on it!! like a mini mount kinabalu! *laughs* but i managed to finish! wow im' so happie. hehe. then again if u see me getting fat, complain to my dad, hehe. anyway. i was just thinking, how much sense is there in this world anyway?? i mean, it's like practically every wk there's fresh trouble of some sort... aii...i don't know la..n i don't wanna think abt it. and one more thing...don't tell ppl what to do unless you have been in their shoes...and you know how they feel.
well well well...today's is fathers' day. and u know what. my dad had totally forgotten.until i reminded him somewhat unceremoniously last night. heh. anyway, this morning i kept waking up b4 i was supposed to wake up, so it was a relief when 7 am rolled around. puled myself into the master bedroom n sat onthe bed n stared at dad, making enough noise so he'd wake up. to find me staring at him wit eyes that were sleepfilled. n he was like, did i wake u up?? n i was like...u were suppsed to..actually. =.=''' seems he slept on the alarm, which is the phone, n he also forgot to lock it, so the phone was currently dialling the number of aunti agnes. who called later and most likely in a very disgruntled voice asked what was the matter that we had to disturb her at such an unseemly hour. so. we went down to compasspoint to eat breakfast. hehe. not bad la. both of us ended up so full, we vowed we weren't going to eat lunch and dinner anymore. hehe.
i just hauled out my physics txtbk after b/f...it looks so deserted and strange, till i realized i hadn't paid attention to it for at almost one month! *repentant* it sure paid me back thought, i seem to have forgotten alot of the formulae n such. blehx. so now i'm frantically ttrying to cram all that information back into my brain. haiz. but after doing some minor rearrangements to my physics file, i realized i actually[i'm serious!!] missed school! not only my friends..but also the classes! omg. hehehe. but then i dont' miuss some classes still..like the scandalous social studies n cranky chemistry classes. especially the SS i tell u man..that ss teacher is going to regret the day when she decides to complain about mr Tan one more time. the envy-iians will ostracize n totally disrupt her classes EVERY SINGLE PERIOD. heh. n i mean it. mr tan is our class talent!![no doubt a very raw one thought] he shall not be removed. XP but then again he may decided to leave himself..which actually makes more sense cause he's not learning anything sitting around in school. ehehe. except how to sing nursery rhymes while blatantly lying on the teacher's table. HAHAHA. he rox. right Devil? anyway...other things i miss about school...is the fact that i could skip lunch. here at home, my dad makes me eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. okay maybe not the dinner but it's still bad enough having to eat lunch. blehxx...i feel so stuffed. =.=''' also, for some strange reasson i miss climbing the stairs in the school! the last time i went to school[for my piano class] i climbed up to the 3rd floor of the block where my class is. cause i was totally missing the building am i psychotic or what. *laughs* anyway.. OH YA. i wanna play bball with my senior n devil!! it's like...so fun la. heh.*thinks back*the last few wks in school were so great la! everyday after sch..go out somewhere n slack. usually go to smone's house. hehe. remember the day we tried e dancing cd? then we swam? hehehe. oh n while we were swimming we were crapping about the 'guy-near-Awan's-house-that-likes-devil' and ETCETERA. hehehe. i miss everyone in school!! okay wait...not exactly everyone, but ALMOST everyone. 99.9 percent of the ppl. hehe. of course ppl like that mr SUPER DUPER ACT COOL TILL IT BECOMES DISGUSTING[laksa's ex-husband] and mr 'sits-beside-me-in-class' and the other 'mr-totally-act-cool-in-the-exam-hall-till-i-wanna-puke' nope, i admit i don't miss them. but i miss the others!! hehe.
okay..going to do some stuff now. like...practise e crappy piece my new teacher wants me to. >< haiizzz
| You are a Look Before You Leap, Yellow Light Dater |
 You aren't going to ask out any cute guy that comes your way That doesn't mean you're a total wall-flower though. You'll smile and flirt - for Mr. Almost Perfect. You're online dating style? You're wired to spend time reading profiles carefully Once you figure out what you want, you'll make a few connections |
hehe..funny...
| Your Passion is Purple! |
 |
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
thinking back on my last relationship. i knew it should never have started. especially not just before my first major exam in my whole life. and i wasn't ready yet...i was still unsure of all my emotions and trying to so called 'find my feet' in my heart,after being floating around for so many months. and then..by the time i felt able to fully have myself under control again..it was exams and i saw him in front of me every day. something happened during that exam week, something that i can't explain, but it was something that completely hauled me back onto my feet and made me feel eager and ready to carry on. it was a refreshing emotion to feel after so many emo-suicidal months. and i was hooked on the one that brought it about. but for now i only want to admire him, shall not admit anything else other than that still. LOL. anyway.back to my last relationship. maybe i was hasty in ending it..but honestly i feel it wouldn't have worked out. i mean, our personalities were too different. i was looking for maturity, but so was he, and even though he wasn't totally kiddy...it still wasn't enough maturity for me. because in a relationship..i rely alot on the guy..for emotional and literal support, like in studies and problems. and in the week before the exams..i realized he really couldn't give it.right when i needed it.yeah i'm not the best gf either..i know many times i put my girl friends and bestiies b4 him and our relationship..and also sometimes i spoke to my closer guy friends more. even thought we were bf/gf..we didn't have much of a friendship b4 the relationship..i mean..he wasn't my bestiie like my 1st bf was. also my fault for allowing the relationship to start on such unstable ground. haiiz.. what to say? i'm getting more and more dumb. that's why i dont' trust myself. that's why i'm being so unsure about this *******.i don't want to fall into another mess. no plse...no...
anyway. my mom and twin1 were totally mean today!! they ganged up on me!! they started giong on and on about ants invading the house and all! they said that the ants couldnt' find their way to my bedroom and that there were ants all overthe place! hiikkkzzz...so meannnn~ i wanted to take e insecticide spray and spray them siah!! *sprayyyyyyyyyshhh* LOL...
annoyed annoyed annoyed.irritated irritated irritated. but oh well...can't say i mind hearing about ants either. XD
ghosts no longer haunt me..
but now ants do!
X))
well...tml father's day. shall i put a tribute here to my dad? hmm..
well. my dad...is totally cool =D [sorry for the seeming thickskinned-ness!!] he isn't only my dad..but for ever since i startwed studying math and science, he's been my teacher too. and now in 2oo6, after i started studying in SYAS..he's my full time physics teacher and chemistry/math tutor at home! and sometimes yeah..he gets cranky and all..but when that happens..i just go to my room and shut his banging out. hehe. avoiding confrontation with my dad is best..cause he can REALLY lecture. and i mean really. if he thinks u need it, he has no qualms about giving me an overall lecture on my behaviour and relationships in the middle of the night. right. but that just goes to show how much he cares for me as a dad and how he feels that my being on the right path is more impt that his much needed rest after a long day of teaching and all. usuallly feeling guilty for making him lecture me even thought he's so tired is usually the main point of what i get from his lectures la..cause i myself am about ready to fall asleep. >< and in school he's a really great teacher..he doesn't somehow embarrass me in front of my friends like i know some adults would.. and he's sensitive to the fact that it's sometimes hard to have a teacher as your parent..he nvr pushes me or makes me feel like i have to get good grades cause i'm his daughter. of course if he feels i'm not doing my best..he'd..be...rather mad. haha.anyway... on top of him being my teacher...he's an adult mentor of mine...and i so wish i had just half of his brain!! grrrah!!! u know..when he was young,,he would listen to music, sing with it, and work out complicated math problems all at the same time. bleah. is that pro? aiya..i just hope..relaly hope..that i can follow his footsteps n become a parttime teacher next time..mayb teaching english? ooo i love english. it's such a volatile thing! okok..let's not go off tangent ya...hehe..
well..here's to the Best Dad in the [my]World XD
*huggs* luv ya daddie!! =) rock on and keep up ur unorthodox teaching methods!! without you my world would go outta spin. afterall, who would be there to nag me to slp..like..now. [oookkay. i'm coming!.........] kae..gotta go now..he's going to wake me up at...7? tml.. =.= haiiizzzzzzz
ciiaoz!!
OKAY! taking a break from all the lamentations!! an announcement has to be made!! haha. i totally started laughing so my bad mood has gone out the window. for now. thx unfairworld..ur blog was hilarious. XP okok the announcement!!
i do not like whoever everyone is thinking i like!!!!!!! i like a Setia-Rockin-Devilish-Interesting person from school...a bit.....*cough cough*......but i do not....do not [!!!!!] like whoever you think i like. heh. especially the dunno what 'how lovely heaven fairs' or smthing person. alamakkkkkk........
okay fine mayb the part in the mentor list where i wrote about him being good with children and all may have been misleading. but he really is! especialy with timothy! and i guess..to lessen confusion i should have added that he was DARK, broad-shouldered, SPIKY hair, plays bball, not very tall, and got exactly 53 marks for bio, midyr exam. oh ya, he is also NOT chinese OR indian OR singaporean. so. hopefully you get the idea...IT ISN'T WHOEVER U THINK IT IS. HAHAHAHAHHA!!
embarrassing neh. >< kk...i believe i shall go sleep...or maybe watch tv..again. haiiizzz.. i need to study!!!!
today is one very slack day. haha. i still have the feeling like i wanna punch someone out. any volunteers? hehe. since i'm so bored n miffed..guess i'll blog some msges from someone..n then if he comes here he will find out who the mystery person is. hehe.
~ya sikit2 lah, saya akan cuba haha
~maaf saya ketiduran. capek banget kemarin lol
~hmm.... apa ya? kurang tahu sih,yang penting, yang ke suka punya haha
haiiz
don't know when he's coming back!! *annoyed*
anyway..
sometimes i just get so tired.. n i wish there was a someone who i could turn to always. and who would always be there. and after talking to with the person all the problems and frustration would go away...and i would be able to stand up and carry on, because the person would give me the courage and will to do so.
since such a person must be a god..i guess it is God. aiii..don't know. can't say i really care.
some days everything looks dark, nothing seems worth it. worth living for. and then somehow..something stops me from deciding to end it. i don't know why. i don't have the kind of depression that i had b4 the exams and which was terminated BECAUSE of the exams[don't ask me why] it's just this burning frustration. which springs up from inside me. and then i must see my friends so i force myself to supress the urge to strike out.. the wanting to feel pain to release the inner frustration. yanzhou made me promise not to overdose anymore..and it doesn't even work anyway. and i realized i didn't want to live with scars so that cancels out another option. so? all i can do is let the frustration flow out through writing, blogging, blasting music. but it gives only temporary relief..there must be a solution that lasts. BUT WHERE THE **** DO I FIND IT.
i'm looking forward to school starting again..where i'll have the h/w and school family to keep me with goals to work towards. i tell myself it'll be better once i'm reunited with devil and the others. the envy-iians. my 'mummy and daddy'.my jies and gors. koko. and of course being able to see *******. but i've learned things are usually never as good or as bad as u expect it to be. school could turn out to turn bad ..just when i needed it to stay how it is. life's like that isn't it. someone once wrote in his blog a long long time ago. ' life kicks u in the ass when you're already down.'[hope i remembered correctly ba] well, now i'll add to that. life kicks you, just as you're trying to get up, you'll fall back down again unless you have the determination to stay standing.
OH WTHECK.
since it's up to me whether i should or shouldn't stay standing. hmm.
haiiz. guess i'll have to keep on going for now...since i bloody well can't find anything strong enough to lean on or stop life with. ha.
in this state..i should not even think about going near *******..it'll just make everything worse. that's why i said..he'll have to wait. for a long time.
looks like my life isn't back together yet isn't it..lol...just when i thought it was. but i know one thing..i took way too long..wayyy too long..being sad over someone who really..wasn't worth it. hah. such fools we are sometimes.
okay..
i think i said too much in here..
but it has to get out of my system somehow...
whoever is unlucky enough to read this..sorry to waste your time.
today was one heck of a tiring day. Firstly, i was supposed to leave at 830am to reach yck mrt at 10am. so...i was supposed to wake up at 700am to give me sufficient time to change, eat, walk dog, etc.
but.
i woke up at...
825~~~~~~
wakks!!!!
rush like mad, n left the dog walking to my dad.
n realized i forgot my towel. =.=''' nvm. doesn't matter.
the thing was really fun lahx...swim like mad, water so cold. bully shipeng..hehe..
Played cat n mouse, water polo, diving..
bdea girl -happy bdae!!!!!wishin u many years of fulfilled dreams n contentment! may u grow in maturity n smarts with every passing year! =) rock on!
kkae..warning to anyone who knows me and the SOMEONE.
listen. i do not ever want to see that SOMEONE again. in a closed environment other than church.so don't make me. you'll regret it. SERIOUSLY. i'll turn on u like ur SOMEONE. i mean it.
yeah, according to my Koko, i am scary. when i want to be. so...heed the warning peeps. =.='''
today so much anger n frustration boiled out of me. i don't know why. haha. even now..bits of coal still smolder unquenched in me. WHY?? bleahz. i saw red.literally.rage just boiled into my blood n flowed through my veins. burned up every last vestige of care i had that i was supposed to be a christian n patient n thoughtful n caring n whatnot crap! the fire just spread through me n moved my legs. started walking. started crying. all the memories, fights, insults came back. all the pent up emotions that emanated from this relationship came pouring out into my head, and i broke down in the lift. n then. uncle ivan had to come out n shout to me goodbye. which i had to reply. dammit! how am i going to go to church n face him again??? hmph. all because of one idiot.named. *****. i can almost say i hate him, but if i hate him means i would be glad if he dies, but i wouldn't be la. not that bad. lol. it's just this far[] from hate man..i tell u..don't push me. so i somehow find my way out of that place, n get to the bus stop. sit there for awhile, till i realized..i needed to walk. when i started walking, i couldn't stop.
walked along the road, didn't care where i went. pengg called, i rejected the call. then next thing i know, he's beside me. i was touched!! i didn't know he'd care enough to follow me. it was something i'll remember forever. from someone i least expected. well. we walked n then when i stopped crying i told him everything abt the SOMEONE. even though i wanted to cry more..the hate of crying on a road overcame the urge to cry. walked to hougang. =.=''' poor guy..he was sweating like mad. and then he waited with me till my bus came..we were both quiet..very quiet. which was good cause i was so drained from anger i couldn't talk. reached hougang..bought Pocky to cheer myself up. lolx.went to sengkang[my house] but detoured to e library there. bought food with my mom, went home. n then another minor rock was scraped on my barely recovered nerves. i simply shutted up grabbed the dog n leash n blasted my mp3 while walking Luke. DAMMIT! reached home n ate then watched singapore idol. while my mom nagged abt rock music n whatnot. =.=''' WAHH. but i didn't get that irritated la...just ignored it. lol. finally. i go online.
U DON"T HAVE TO GIVE ME THIS BLOODY crap+nameless ATTITUDE OKAY???!! the fact that we broke up n it wasn't your idea doesn't mean u can be sarcastic or soppy whenever u feel like it!! i'm doing my best to stay friends with u, accepted ur outing tml, n u come and suddenly out to the blue give me some crap attitude. WTH!. if i like ur friend can i help it??? and i even try not to talk abt him in front of u so u don't get mad... but no..it's always u who brings it up, u who makes jibes abt me liking him and all. must you be so difficult when i've decided to try n be nice to you like a bro n all?? if u don't put me on a guilt trip, ur being sarcastic , or liek today, giving some sort of attitude. no offense if u see this..i'm just really not in a good way today n u chose e wrong time to..act up. ever sherly said u sounded mad. =.=''' aiiiii..
another thing. i do not take kindly to people, male or female, acting like a freaked up spoiled brat who's rotten to the core n wants it's own way all the time.face up to reality, life ain't a place where people will bend over backwards for you for your best interests for your wants. it ain't a playground where you cry and you get what you want, you pout and an adult rushes to commismerate with you. it isn't so perfect, it isn't so sweet and smooth. no one is going to be willing to cater to your every desire, preference or demand! face up to reality,people! even in relationships, guys won't stay for long if you want everything your way, want everything the way you want it. dammit. such a world shouldn't exist at all! when my 9 yr old friend..ever ever starts whining over a small thing, she gets one very cold look and 'ignoration' till she 'snaps out of it' as my mom says. bleah. and u know what, she NEVER does. practically.unless she was having future-PMS emotions. haha. don't know where inspiration for this paragraph from..haha..just popped into my head? X))
okay enough venting.
DEVINNA N ******* faster come back... miss u guys way to much. *sobsob*
All around me is darkness
Nothing moves to break the stillness.
Thinking back through the past
Haunted by memories that hold fast.
Only time can heal some scars that linger
No one can help another heal a cut finger.
You will see-one day-i shall be free.
haiiizzz........
sometimes someone makes me so angry..totally...bleahz. i think i'll do smthing mad now...like...trying to learn how to dance to e Barbie Doll song. =.=''' HAHAHAHA//
Today met my new piano teacher. aiii...i don't even know her name..i think it's Lollabelle? hmm..
anyway..felt kinda down n moody. Must be the things i'm thinking of. i miss my old piano teacher so much. i mean, she was fierce and all, but i really thought the world of her. still do. n now i can't learn under her anymore. haii. what to do? school starts n i had no time. well. now...i hope i do well under this teacher. my musicality is practically ZERO. ZERO talent too. bleah. i mean, my cousin is younger than me n she's like doing..grade 8 or diploma?? aii...
well...besides meeting the teacher, nothing happened today except Koko went to Sabah? after coming back from indo last night. =.=''' psycho. he's da sick one. Xd
went home, and found i didn't have my keys. Omiigosh i was mortifiied!>< guess what?? the moment i reached the mall my aunt called.in response to the note i left outside my door. asking whoever went home to call me so i could return from my wandering. wah. so irritating seh! so i just didn't care..went to the library, and read a book standing up for the next one hr [approx.] the story was so touching...n after reading it..i felt so dizzy n dazed. aiii... wish i could write like that. =P
anyway...i was going to write abt my girl mentors? well...look below.
*1- she totally doesn't care what ppl think, and she does what she believes in and what she wants to do, as long as it's not wrong or anything. oh and the other thing, she's soooo fit! she was 'playing' bball with me after school, and i really admire her strength.totally.
*2- pisao!!! piPim!! haha... my thai jiejie number one. XP she's loud, but not in an unladylike way. she is matured but has her cute n adorable side that just adds that lil touch of humour. like when she mutters about 'something is not right here' when her hair doesn't do what she wants it to. haha! mizz her so much! aii...when will school start???
*3-my school mummy!! tall! pretty! funny! n a total beach babe. wakkks!! if i could have a biuld like her i'd be happy man!!
*4-piBi!! my thai jiejie number 2!! haha. haiiz..so feminine!! so swt!! so kawaiii!!!!! she nvr ever runs, always soooo girlish n ladylike. even when she mock fights with her girl friends it's kept to minimum noise n action. hahaah. but then again...she had a gang in thailand. @.@ at least that's what i gathered la. lolz.
okay..i have more actually but i'll stop here. i mean, there's so many things i can learn from these ppl. cause they are of the same species as me. LOL. guys..different species altogether. XP
tmrw have JJ's bdae party thing. haiiz. i still don't know who is going and who is not going. =.='''
| The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now. |
HAHAHHAA...wadeva...
| Your Love Life Secrets Are |
 You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off. In fights, you seek compromise and back down from conflict. You always try to smooth things out. Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go. |
| Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC |
 Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos.But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last! |
wth??!! eh...okay...haha..
| Your 2005 Song Is |
 "But since you've been goneI can breathe for the first timeI'm so moving on" In 2005, you moved on. |
wrong..=.= nothing to move on from in 2oo5. lol..
HAHA...zoee!!!!
u are good...very goood...hehe... X))
she gave me this really good idea....
see..SETIA means loyal...
so...
SETIA[loyal]-Retarded-Damned-Idiot
okayokayokay i shall not...not...continue talking...
msg 1~nga saya bukan marc anthony kayaknya salah orang deh hehe..
msg 2~you think? if you think it's yes then it's yes if you think it's no then no. Lol.
see...case study..this person communicates better in bahasa then english. HAHA.
okay wadever i'm so crappin. lol.
today..was slack..very..skipped lunch practically..lol.but that's okay cause i don't nd the energy. HAHA. went out on short notice at 2++ in e afternoon..heh..don do that again to me girl..hehe. i'm getting old..can't rush so much. X)) anyway..went to PS to get bdae pressie for someone..hope u like it kae? =) n den went to cine to take neo n eat! in the end didn't eat much. haha. nvm..she needed to eat more than i did. baka la! you lost so much weight... =.='''
go home n shower..den slack..n my mom came home n make me go her room for 'quality time', which was basically listening to a..sermon. haiiizzzzz..
kk..feeling like writing so mayb i'll try a poem?
Ants grow huge n harmless as kittens,
No fire, so there aren't any mittens.
Thorns are huge but edges are blunt,
Honey in hives are brought back from the hunt.
Opague walls are things of the past,
No one needs to shut the doors fast.
Y is this world so hard to find??
`continued...
Sick people are never found,
Everywhere you're greeted by a friendly hound.
Trees never die and flowers never fade,
Insects only drink lemonade.
Anyone can draw millions from the Bank,
Red doesn't mean danger, just means'be FRANK!'
Dirt is white and has no bacteria,
Indifference is only seen on the media.
where is this world found?????
hehehe...i like this world leh...and i wanna find my way to it!! =)))
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz ..i don't know why..i really don't know why.
love hurts, i don't wanna get mixed up in it till i 'heal' fully. till i retrieve every last piece of my heart n put them back tgh. for now i shall just 'mentorize' him. hehe. in a very different way than the way i mentorize two other ppl.
well, this post shall be dedicated to moi 'mentors'. i don't know if that's the right word for them, but, well, just wanna say they are ppl i look up to for various reasons. haha.
here goes..
PS: these are only the ones who are still considered 'youth', i totally admire alot of my teachers n my ex music teacher especially. =)
Mentor 1:
e first one. hehe. be honored. ur a train. yeah, ur nickname. ahha. well. this person, is veryold mentally. in a good sense. matured n able to think rationally and organizedly.not afraid to hold onto his opinions even if they're against what others think.
Mentor 2:
so darn talented musically. HAHA. obvious who. dunno what to say. but i don't know about his maturity level...i only know he can be very suan sometimes...like his uncle. but that's all in good fun la. haha.
Mentor 3:
well, not really a full time mentor cause i intent to change that status once i get my life back tght. lol. but right now, this is where he shall stay. i admire his brains, his attitude, his calmness and patience with lil kids. and his ability to stand alone, is what i really like. i admire ppl who can stand 'on their own'. they don't depend on ppl to be happy. they have their own world. i respect that. haha.
that's it. my three mentors...who are guys..who are old. HAHA...KIDDING.
my girl mentors shall be honored in another post. haha.
omg lor... i jked abt smthing to someone..and that idiot someone went to tell someone else. omg. i soooo wanna kill u. =.='''
hmph.
nvm.
i shall get my revenge. hahaha...
today was extreme.
i mean it! went to ps with Rochael..then susu was there..n later his frend came. OH MAN.
i shall not name peeps here..but...MAN..it was frightfult he first time i laid eyes on his considerable bulk. at first glance, he looked like a rapper gone wrong in fashion. when he opened his mouth, he gave u the impression of a rapper gone wrong the whole works. sheesh! i wanted to just turn head to heel n high tail it back to home and recover from shock. i was so shocked..during lunch i said something very stupid..that didn't make ANY sense at all. something like...' i'll get my money from outside n then give it to u' or something equally weird. REALLY. gosh..i was soooo. freaked. out. i couldn't think straight. it was worse than giraffe, number 1, number 2 ,ghost, n Ants mixed tgh! sheesh! want to ignore him also cannot, want to talk to him also cannot. OMG. i'm gonna have nightmrare tonight. no wonder rochael was warning me. they warned me i'd hv shock for 15 mins. i had shock for the whole time. serious. everytime he spoke i got more n more freaked out. right now, my stomach is still turning.
okay. other than that..i'm happy!! i treated myself to a trip to Comics Connection. X)) guess what i bought?? HP strap set n a notebook. HEHEH.. all bleach related. i lurve it. hehe. i'm too damn lazy to uplaod pics here..but if i could...HEHEHE..i shall upload some really really nice pics. XD
or am i happy?
hmph..
sometimes life..is so confusing.
back frm melaka. it was...
FUN
okay.
Sunday:
went up in the morning, slept almost all the way there on the bus. was kinda worried how it would be..seeing i didn't fancy some of the teachers. ahah//
BUT. it was totally a breeze. hehe.. the teachers i din like..fortunately stayed their distance. except for one idiotic time..when SHE called me her DAUGHTER. I WAS FREAKING MIFFED..
but then the good breakfast undid whatever insultated feeling i had. hehe.
but i'm getting ahead of myself..that was on monday. on sunday, we reached early, had lunch at the hotel. a buffet. good siah.. XP
after eating...went to the room to change...n get ready to walk. walk n walk n walk ...bought mascara n some girl stuff. Lol.then..go back to hotel to rest. BUT..no time to rest by the time we got back. had to rush off to the next event. =.= went to JONKOR walk. or however u spell it la. haha. it was good okay..all the small n cute things there. my dad was trailing me like crazy la..hehe...made him walk n walk n walk. X ))
went back to hotel n soak n soak n soak in e tub. but the water wasn't hot enuf!! haha... nvm..still relaxing. watched movie till 12mn. movie was lame though. aren't all of them? in malaysia anyway. >.<'''
Monday: woke up in time for breakfast..which was HUGE. n i mean Huge. HAHA..totally filling. didn't eat for the rest of the day till dinner, which was a pizza shared wit dad at Makota. HAHA. a big pizza. man...everything is oversize there la. X)) anyway. after that breakfast, i went up to the room..n changed into my swim suit..n went to SWIM on e 9th floor. shuang!! i ended up lying in the sun on e deck chair morethan 50% of e time. HAHA...lazy pig i knoe. nvm..after that, go to the room. n get dry. but too comfortable to change out of e swim clothes. HAHA. lay around watching tv in my damp stuff. finally, changed. n then slept...after finishing an extremely lameee movie called Eve of Destruction. about some idiot doctor who made a robot clone of herself. =.='''
Tuesday: which is today. morning had the same big breakfast. so didn't eat lunch and dinner again. HAHA. uptil now i still feel that miso n rice n my stomach. >.<>.< played underwater leapfrog, except it wasn't leaping over, it was diving thru legs. heehee..damn funny.
OH WAIT. during b/f, my dad n me, had a lil conversation. somehow we started talking abt the giraffe, n my dad was like,'' he acts like he owns the place! hopeless guy'. n i was in 1000% agreement!! dad u rule man. haha. and then...i said, to 'test the water',' yeah, just like *******, so darn act cool.'
AND MY DAD SAID THEY WERE DIFFERENT> yay. i'm happy abt that. hahaha. good.
so...
ride back uneventful, slept e whole way.
oh yeah, i gave mr spastic bunny a nickname...SUPERMAN. i was being totally sarcastic, but he took it literally. n. he bought a superman t-shirt! dammit! so the zi lian la. but the funny thing. when i sneak up on him frm behind, and call him or tap him, he would jump, like a scared bunny. and all the oter teachers would laugh at this scared superman. =.=
oh. and superman can't swim. ALAMAK.superman useless la!!
well..
i have nothing to say anymore..
i looked up to you, i thought you were a stable dependable person.One who was responsible and knew what you wanted in life. i thought you had the best reasons for everything and trusted what you said as best and right, i thought you were someone who was strong and matured, one who had control of your heart and soul, heart and mind.i thought you could do no wrong, even when u hurt me i trusted you knew best and this was for the best of all involved.
but..
WHAT IS THIS!!?
within such a short time..you destroyed all my admiration for you...you blew all the respect i had for you up into space where i can't find it anymore. why? why? why?
now i see, you're not responsible, u don't keep promises. you aren't stable, nor as matured as i thought. It was one week at the most!! omg...u are astounding..in a bad way.
i never thought i'd have to dedicate this poem to you, but here goes...read it and let each word go to ur heart like the truth it is.
btw, don't read this if anyone is in a bad mood.
i mean it.
she trusted you and believed in you,
she gazed with you upon the sky of hope so blue.
you promised her happiness you could give,
you promised her all your love as long as you live.
as time wore on and you lost time,
you slipped away from her like quicklime.
desperately, she tried to keep her hold on your heart,
keep you in the influence of cupid's dart.
but in a flash so lightning quick,
you cut her to the bloody quick.
what's left of her now?
although to fate she now will bow.
how will the sparkle be returned to her face?
how will her life resume it's rejoicing pace?
don't give excuses or try to explain,
your heart isn't stable-that's plain,
don't think i'm being a onesided fool,
don't hink i'm like a volatile swimming pool.
so tell me, and tell me true,
why you did this out of the blue.
betrayed her trust betrayed her love,
both of which were pure as a dove.
do you feel any remorse and pain?
even though all you got was gain.
do you realize how you made her cry?
and made part of her heart die?
think about it, think long and hard,
don't let your heart be indifferent and hard.
take care people. and don't break anymore heart.
although..that's an advice i should give myself. haii...
well..
i have nothing to say anymore..
i looked up to you, i thought you were a stable dependable person.One who was responsible and knew what you wanted in life. i thought you had the best reasons for everything and trusted what you said as best and right, i thought you were someone who was strong and matured, one who had control of your heart and soul, heart and mind.i thought you could do no wrong, even when u hurt me i trusted you knew best and this was for the best of all involved.
but..
WHAT IS THIS!!?
within such a short time..you destroyed all my admiration for you...you blew all the respect i had for you up into space where i can't find it anymore. why? why? why?
now i see, you're not responsible, u don't keep promises. you aren't stable, nor as matured as i thought. It was one week at the most!! omg...u are astounding..in a bad way.
i never thought i'd have to dedicate this poem to you, but here goes...read it and let each word go to ur heart like the truth it is.
btw, don't read this if anyone is in a bad mood.
i mean it.
she trusted you and believed in you,
she gazed with you upon the sky of hope so blue.
you promised her happiness you could give,
you promised her all your love as long as you live.
as time wore on and you lost time,
you slipped away from her like quicklime.
desperately, she tried to keep her hold on your heart,
keep you in the influence of cupid's dart.
but in a flash so lightning quick,
you cut her to the bloody quick.
what's left of her now?
although to fate she now will bow.
how will the sparkle be returned to her face?
how will her life resume it's rejoicing pace?
don't give excuses or try to explain,
your heart isn't stable-that's plain,
don't think i'm being a onesided fool,
don't hink i'm like a volatile swimming pool.
so tell me, and tell me true,
why you did this out of the blue.
betrayed her trust betrayed her love,
both of which were pure as a dove.
do you feel any remorse and pain?
even though all you got was gain.
do you realize how you made her cry?
and made part of her heart die?
think about it, think long and hard,
don't let your heart be indifferent and hard.
take care people. and don't break anymore heart.
although..that's an advice i should give myself. haii...
oh ..just to make sure there's no misunderstandings or anything...
i do not like something that's green in colour anymore.
gettit?
just like him as a friend.. haha...
guess cause i realized...i needed a more complicated challenging personality. One that would keep me busy unraveling n trying to comprehend him.
but he;s a nice guy...yeh...
ANYWAY...was rewatching bleach until super late yesterday..haii...very the sleeppppyyy now!!