I try to find clarity in this constantly changing world.

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andddd...
the traditional new year's resolutions!!

1. stay away from guys drinking beer! =P[twice already. jeeez]
2. find a job, and do the best i can to excel in it.
3. get fitter n healthier!
4. learn not to trust people so easily
5. be stronger emotionally
6. redecorate my room.
7. be more 'capable' and 'inscrutable' socially.
8. read more, write more!
9. laugh and smile more!!!!!
10. let go of him.

the other 6, i shall make tomorrow~


to one and all,
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
i love you =))

Heyy!
it's a new year.
good bye 2007 and hello 2008~!!!!!!!!

i just thought i'd make a list of the wacky, weird, and important stuffs that happened this year =)this list, is abso-bloody-lutely honest =)

The Top Ten Loves:
ting,
nghi
tatcha
yenny
ms tan
shanice
jireh

wow.
i should have known, you were too straight to be true.
like.
HA HA.
i felt bad for nothing.
because all along you never told me alot of things.
and i know it's true.

i was ur farking gf for 7 months and 7 days.
we spent so much time together.
i gave you more than i have ever given another.
and now.?
I REGRET IT.
cos u did such fucked up things..
what? you think girl are all hos?
or just the ones you did that to?
now i understand what it was about you that was bothering me.
you.
are.
screwed.
up.

you can say that's all in the past..
but i don't think so.
i feel it's a very large part of who you are.
because it's your attitude.
you don't know how to control yourself, or mayb you just don't want to.,
you don't let out ur emotions the normal ways..
you just go careless and carefree and act like a fuckin man ho.
is that it?

i'm pissed off you did those kind of things when you weren't attached.
i'm hurt that you didn't even think to tell me.
and lastly, i'm insulted, that it was her.cos i hate.her.attitude.
everything i did for you and gave to you was special to me.
no wonder i seemed to matter so little to you.
because you could continuously make out with a girl who wasn't even your gf..

like i wondered, at the end of our times together..
how much does what i do actually mean to him.
fucker.

ah for chrisssakes.
let's just hope i nvr have to see you again alright?
or if i do see you...
go get several jackets.
you'll need them.

ms tan was talking about rejection in class today..
everyone was like joking about it..
but ,
i just sat there..
cos the threat of experiencing the first rejection in my life was hanging over my head like a storm cloud lah.
=P
so draaama.

so i goofed around the whole day..
morning ate yoghurt..
and icelemon tea.
and ms tan's bday cake.
then lunch drank icelemon tea again.

then dinner...
had a meal.
haha.


irratic dining!!!

what to do.
streesss!!

bleh.
going to a wedding dinner after this.
dunno what to wear.
can i go in HH fash?
like..
cropped tee and cargo pants?
LOL.
i can imagine .

but my body rebels against getting into a skirt or anything remotely formal today.
i just wanna slide into some easy clothes and rock~~!
preferably in a sound proof, carpeted room with huge speakers.
bleh.

WHAT TO WEAR!!!!!!!!
darn it.

hello hello hello...
is it allright for me to start emoing again? now that christmas is almost over?
hehe!
to those of you who don't understand when i'm being 'ironic', please, don't judge till you understand.

and..
to be totally random..
i've gotta go something when i have the courage to.
cos everytime i talk to you, it drains my energy and confidence.
i just don't understand you.
and maybe that's why i like you.
i wish i could drink the pain away, like my darl. cha cha said...
but then again,
i'll be ''never drunk enough to stop missing him'' or something like that.

[[jeez, girl, if you can't get an A for english in the Os? i'm a lost cause... =P]]

so anyway.
i need that drink. really. like, asap.
at least i can get rid of the pain, if not of the neverending wanting , remembering, wishing.
[[ooops! i wonder if ms tan will see this >.<]]


but then.
i think i've made a very very big mistake.
and i'm also realizing.
how important it is, who you trust and when you trust them. cos i think, someone just got me into very very deep...shit. =P

lalalala...
God bless you merry wanderers~~

[[As I hear the words you're saying tonight, I'm falling for them every single time]]

was that sorry, truly sorry? or just an attempt to remove guilt? girl, i wanna know.//cos the butterflies are creeping thru my spine//


anyway!!!!
it's christmas!
and so, a very big merry christmas to everyone!!! =)
thanks to those who have loved and cared for me thru this whole year...and i truly hope i have succeeded in doing the same for you!
may we all share many more years of friendships tgh =P
and for the one who i have hurt..
i am really and truly sorry ><

finally,
love to all! =D

xoxox~

oh yeah.
back from my paralysing dinner of...four slices of pizza and fruits and DONE>

i just remembered something.

there was this trio at the restaurant today...
and and and it was two girls and a homosapien of unknown sex.
'it' looked like a monkey...
but then it spoke,
and behold.
an indonesian accent.
but.
he went on to speak chinese. [?i think]
in a china accent.
and i stood there,
saying
''hark! the homosapien speaketh!''
and my mouth wanted to laugh,
but it would be oh-so-rude..
so i very calmly said..
''this is mantou, this is redbean, and that over there is a sweet bread. Your total is $29.50, thank you have a nice day''
ah whatever.
nice interlude albiet a disturbing one.
HAHAHA.

WTF is it about it that keeps haunting me.
LALALALALALALA i can't hear youuuuu =)

am i a glutton for punishment or WHAT.
okay. what.

my point is, why the tooting hell did i have to agree to help my mum run around doing last minute shopping for her xmas gifts when i haven't even finished????
AND
today at the shop was like supremely crazy cos we were shorthanded. like. the hand was so short it was just a finger.
ie: only me doing cashier, waitress, and cleaner.
andandand there were three big groups that kept changing their orders. jeez.

i tell you,
the most popular phrase of the day was : ''oh!i'm SO sorry for the delay!'' [not]
who asked the friggin cooks to cook so slow lah. [ooopss. it slipped out =P]


and THEN.
went to the library, book-reading-ology is a very good method of escapism. it's cheap, easy, and can be done anywhere. so anyway went to stock up on books to tide me thru xmas day eve and xmas itself. ha. i feel SO christmasy.

when i got home, my energy level was like, negative. to the point of being able to stare blankly at a place one metre in front of me without blinking and realiziing that i WAS actually staring.
but.after two squares of sinfully sweet chocolate, i got hyper[within 5 minutes, i swear!]
and started bugging my dad to order pizza for dinner.
wow.
pizza.
me,
who can barely keep down a square meal these days. ahmayyzing what chocolatte can do =P
oh no, i think the sugar high is wearing off....
better go eat somemore diabetes-inducing squares! lalalala.....

[[there was something else here but it has been edited out as.... i am wary of peeps who hav nth else better to do except to spread around stuff that is merely based on how they interpret my highly coded writing. believe me, nth here is ever what it seems, and you have to talk to me at least once a week to understand in it's entirety anything stated here. that is, besides the mundanities of my life. thankyouverymuch. {F. off, backstabbers} ]]

yo.
i keep trying to stop thinking about it but i cant.
i keep trying to be care-less and care-free but memories keep coming back.
gah.
i hate that i love you[s].

&&&&
whatever.

today went to playplayplay =)
kay lah,
it was average fun...
cos i missed my girls...
and boys...
but.

whatever.

and then, played bowling.
and my score was supremely disgusting..
BUT.
i did this stupid dare with myself [how lame is that??]
and spoke to this avverage looking guy next to me...
for basically pure f u n.

whatever.

and...
i
am
acting
drunk.

again.

well,
if that's how drunk people act.

i think i need to really get drunk one day.

how about the twenty eighth?


i'll need all the help i can get then.
maybe even now.
cos it's da fuckin' twenty first again.

oops. why am i swearing??

it must be a sign of emotionallll distresss.
HA.

WHATEVER.

okay.
i've been playing nice, losing weight, being emo, staying sad, feeling lost.
you dont' even know. It's the first time ever i suffered at all due to a breakup.

ENOUGH ALREADY.

where has that gotten me?? we're not friends anymore i guess. you don't wanna make the effort why should i??

why should i feel guilty, when i'm doing what i can to be a friend to you even though it would make it harder for my heart to heal ??

do you have any idea how much i didn't wanna have to do this to US? did you realize that it was basically the only option left?? did you care to try to THINK why i would do something like that??do you realize i did it so you wouldn't be even more hurt in the end?? if you even cared, you'd be reading this. but no, you prefer to sulk off and ignore the rest of the world. not even trying to know the real reason i left you. F. YOU.!

i gave you my all, practically my whole heart, body and soul.
and wtf ....
it's time for me to move on.
it's time for you to move on too.
we can't effing stay like this forever okay??
i don't hate you, and maybe you hate me.
but i'm tired of letting myself take all the blame for this.
cos i MADE THE RIGHT DECISION, even if it hurt us both, and i'll stand by it.


that said and done, dawn is going to pick herself up and i will be UNLEASHED.

beware.i'm not playing nice anymore. like my beloved fellow siaozhabo so succintly stated, BORN TO BE WILD!

let's go screw the worldddddd~~~~

by Jamie Pittel-What I Look Like.

''.........The Ugly Duckling, you know that story?''

''yeah , sure. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that.''
Right. But when i was looking at it, i was thinking that's not what it's really6 about. I mean, it's not about beauty.''

''No?''

''Nope. Not at all. It's really about the difference between who you really are and who you're supposed to be, like, according to your family.''

''Yeah...''

''So this guy, he was born to a family of ducks, right? And he was supposed to be beautiful or cute or whatever, in a duckish way. Everyone expects him to be. But he's not, so they're disappointed in him.''

''Until he finds out he's a swan.''

''Right. But he still can't hang out with his family. He has to get away from the other ducks and be beautiful among swans. It's just like us, like everyone.

My mom wants me to be pretty and well dressed in this really conservative, pale-pink way. She expects me to be, because she is. Like the ducks. She thinks i'm wrong because i'm not a duck. Your dad thinks how you look is cool, but he thinks it's because you're an artist. A duck. But you're got a swan Mohawk, not a duck Mohawk.

All of us, you and me and all our friends, are swans. We're beautiful or special or whatever when we're together, but not in the way our families want us to be. They can't see it, because they think we're supposed to be like them. That's what the story's about.''

''So by your theory, our parents think we're ugly ducklings; our friends know we're beautiful swans.''

''Exactly.''

okay okay okay i give up.
one more post before i sleep.


the looking glass.
i woke up this morning, and in it i saw a girl
a girl looked at her image in the fragile yet honest glass.
her face was calm
but the eyes had despair in them.
her body was still
but the heart was bruised, bleeding, old wounds torn open.
it didn't help to have seen that picture the day before.
it didn't help to listen to the plaintive songs that spelt out her innermost thoughts.
it didn't help to think of him, no, of them.
her insides were ugly, how could there be beauty?



the looking glass.
it mocked her, everything seemed to scorn her today.
refused to show her the path to perfection, to symmetry.
and then she went out, insecure in her own image.
along the way, her mind pulled up defenses
fear was exchanged for anger
unreasonable darts of fire flew from her eyes to anyone who crassed her will.
her manner was controlled
but the fury and violences rager unchecked within her soul.
her voice was cool, collected, even amicable.
but demons of hate and resentment screamed out in her mind.



the looking glass.
it seemed to fear her anger now,
no more mocking images, it seemed to be subservient to her will
in a placatory way, it offered her a beauty,
but it was a dark and haunted beauty.
it's features contorted with the desire to hurt, as it had been hurt.
she smiled at the image, and it smiled back
but the teeth were as daggers, the lips stained with poison.
she let that dark beauty console her, shallowly.
till she had the strength to face the world with a smile
and turned away
from the looking glass.

ehh...
Ariel from Peterpan is SO ah-dorable. =P
his smile his eyes...
unfortunately his voice different na...
f******* shit.
i need to get those images outta my mind.




anyway....

watching tv now...
trying to wash away....
memories..
by creating new ones...
trying to ease the pain....
by inflicting new pain....
~~~~~

this Lady returns.
because you can run but you can't hide?
and why hide when the problems are beneath you.

i bring you good cheer my friends!
for emoing is a weakness of the past =P

do you even know who i am??
it's okay if you dont..
because i don't either.

southern adventist university.

i'd just like to ask in which way is it effing different from high school.
scrap that.
in what way is it different from my HOUSE.

gddmmt... maybe i should just stay and study in SMU. =_='''
or go thailand mission college.
jeez.

3 out of 5 annoyance points!!!

i'm looking back on the posts in november..back before my taiwan trip...
and WOW. it's like some of the things i didn't even remmeber writing...all those conflicting emotions and memories. jeez. makes me emo just reading it.
and then i wonder what happened to all those 'feelings' and stuff.
it's like it just got shoved out of my mind ever since going to taiwan.
but
almost once everyday...i remember.
and when i remmeber ...i cry. in my heart.
but
then i realize there's absolutely freaking noting i can do about it.
and even though it really hurts to face that fact,


i'm going to be strong, won't change my mind, and i'll carry this thing thru.
=)

anyway~
today...
went to 'work' den went to town...
met up with some friends...
pretty successful day ....even tho i'm so tired and FAT i feel like i need a health sanitarium. =P

XOXO~

©&this girl hates the crap out of you.

lalaala~!
taiwan was SOOOO enjoyable! coldcold climate and nice cozy bus to sleep in[during loongloong rides] and changing hotels every nite. okay....the hotels ranged from 2 to 5 stars, but the changing was pretty funn! guess i basically enjoyed it because of the fact that it wasn't singapore... was getting rather suffocated in this urbane, mundane environment. hehe!
that's not to say i didn't miss my 'siblings' and 'pets' back home tho! =P
anyway....it was an eight day tour thing...about 40 ppl in the group, all mostly families and couples. two kids in the group just finished PSLE and another two were like me, having survived The O lvls. bleh. butbutbut we didn't start talking to each other like....until the last day?? guess i didn't feel exactly sociable. the shopping there was pretty good, if you needed long sleeved stuff and jackets, cos they have this winter fashion in now..haha. but still, bought a few stockings...etc.etc.my hair really suffered there tho! no conditioner and hard water and all. *shivers* but it's on the road to recovery!!!
which reminds me, should i dye it pure black??
hmmm...
anyway!
we had this tour guide from SG and another from taiwan...the taiwanese was the one talking...the singapore one was basically a chaperone of sorts. so young!! haven finish poly even. hahahha.... very fun to BULLY him. =P but he's really sweet lah, sent me a pic of a kitty that we were googling at a pet shop over there. hahaha.

maybe as i remember, i'll post about some highlights of the trip there, cos now i don't seem to be remembering much!! just so caught up 'working' and going out wit some 'ackuaintances' ^^

i just realized,

how hard is it to get a decent, entertaining, interesting, and honest conversation with a guy nowadays??
maybe i've just not given them the chance.... =P

this is where it ends.
i go back under my mask again.
but rest assured.
under my mask.
you are always with me.
and maybe one day
i can make you feel it too.

[[`if i could be your fairy grandmother and make your wishes come true i would, even if it hurts my heart in the process]]

which reminds me.
saw this girl in church today...
so young, SO 'cool'...
like, frosty the snowman or smth,
HEY i sure as hell didn't do anything to you okay.
and she was all decked out like the paparazzi were after her or smth.
3 out of 5 Annnoyance points for her!


and then..

DISCLAIMER: any relation to real life events is purely due to your personal imagination or admission of guilt, i am merely voicing my opinion.

i believe that people of high standing in the church hierachy should be able to have financial sense to a great enough degree to prevent themselves slipping into a position where they have to BORROW FROM PEOPLE and don't pay back then BORROW AGAIN. meanwhile, never showing any improvements whatsoever.
this is completely unacceptable. i know there's this thing called charity and who knows what else brotherly love? but, i never claimed to be nice. if a person wants to live this lifestyle and chock up a large amount of RECURRING DEBTS then i say, leave him to his financial demise.
whoever is like this, has lost every single smithereen of respect that i usually give to a normal homo sapien.


love you everyone!!!
i'm gonna drown ma sorrows in taiwann ~