I try to find clarity in this constantly changing world.
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Layout: vehemency
Icon: reruntherace
being gangsta
being sexayee
being cuteee
being evill
being happy!
being crazy
being pretty^^ONE MORE THING THAT MAKES ME SUPER HAPPY.
my amazing professor GRADED my midterm exam that i JUST took this afternoon.
how amazing is she?????
so anyway~!
thank GOD, i got 92%
and that's insane, cos my essay was all over the place.
but i'm insanely happy, cos this is definately a blessing =)
WHOOOOOO~!
To tatcha lumenta =)
lesseeee...
Here's my response to ur note!
since the last time i spoke with you , i haven't had anything interestin going on at night =)
mostly thanks to the 3 week long cold i had.
which was retarded,
because i finally gave in and went to the doctor, and guess what?
they had no idea what was wrong with me.
SO they gave me like, crazy pills, and sent me back to my dorm to dieee.
However, thanks to some happy coincidence, the medicine worked on the unknown illness and now i'm well on the road to recovery.
hallelujah. just in time for more night escapades over spring break.
Dang girl, it's been too long. hahahaha!
anyway!!!
SPRING BREAK.. at first a carful of us were supposed to go SOMEWHERE idk where,
and just chill, but then, it was canceled.
BUT, i just got a phone call this evening telling me that no, it's not canceled, it's on again.
Then, i had to cancel my alternative plans to stay at a friend's house,
and yeah, now i'm really not sure what in heck is happening over spring break.
i DO kno that next thursday and friday night is def gonna be something worth telling you about!
i realize i'm rambling here..
OH YEAH! c'lang is still kinda scaring the crap out of me,
but not so much,
and the other creepy perv has turned to pushing drugs.
LMAO.
couple of my friends left the damn school too...
smart, i plan to follow in their footsteps once d sem is overrrrr. ^^
aaaand about my mental state of health, hmm,
i've had problems of confusion and stress the last week cos of some stupid bimbos that i can't do anything about as yet because of my own dumbasses.
oh yes, you might wanna talk to me for clarification on this point. =p
i miss you girly!
thanks for ur note it totally made my day =)
xoxo<3
After studying and screaming at someone over the phone, well, i feel calmer and more in control of Me.
honestly, speaking with u on the phone just made me madder.
now i find out that you think i LIE to you. yeah. why in hell would i lie to you, i dont understand your reasoning.
and then you act like my mother and bitch at me about something totally irrelevant to what i'm trying to tell you. there's a time and place for everything, and you guys always get it wrong. take lessons from my dad, not my mom, when u wanna kno how to deal with me.
oh. and other shit.
so i threw myself into the shower and had a brief counsellling session with myself. since i don't believe in therapy. This may have been the only time in my life i seriously considered goin for counselling. but in the end, my shower session was beneficial. basically it involved me talking with me, and then talking with God, and then taking a very nice long hot shower. so yes. i've washed alot of my emotions out with the bathwater. =)
also, studying half of my history stuff has made me calmer. the two softcover books are out of the way, and i have only the big faat book left to digest. and then i have to write the first page of my retarded research paper, in which i explore the effects of rock music and classical music on the human mind. yes, i know, i'm like the perfect person to write about this. Hey, why not? at least i'm not writing about Rap / hip hop music and it's effects, then i'd just be plain hypocritical. lol.
anyway.
my friend gave me two pieces of advice.
1- chill for a few days
2- follow one of two paths.
so yeah. since i know i'm gonna regret losing you if anything happens, i'm going to put in all my selfcontrol and effort into not making the distance between us wider. even tho right now i'm still madder than i've ever been with you, i'm gonna bite my tongue and hope that i chill after a couple of days. and then i'm going to try to fix this. again. and im going to try not to be mad at you even tho rite now it seems impossible.
but before i try any selfcontrol or effortizing or any such crap..
im gonna ENJOY SPRING BREAK. hellllls yeah.
i'm just FUCKING pissed and tired of alot of things that's been happening.
just a whole lot of tiny things adding up into one big ball of brain fuzz in my head.
starting from last week:
1. haunted by bad memories. and i mean literally haunted, i can't sleep at night or in the day unless i'm so tired i wanna pass out. some things just won't get the fuck out of my head.
2. i'm sick and tired of the food here. i'm resorted to goin to CK's to get better food after accounting class but it still sucks balls.
3. dance practise is pissing me off. if i didn't love dance so much, believe me, i wouldn't be putting up with this bullshit. and yes, i'm not exaggerating, it IS bullshit.
4. i've pretty much lost patience with being sick. i mean, i can't do anything about it but it still annoys me. i'm sick of getting out of breath every single time i rush to class. i'm sick of coughing like a retard in class.
5. i'm also very annoyed with the weather here. cold, then warm, then cold as hell frozen over again. jeez.
6. i CAN"T find my other fucking pair of black flip flops. *growls*
7. people who have a problem with me swearing? i don't care if i love you, it still pisses me off when you ignore the message i'm trying to put across just because of the WAY i say it. DEAL WITH IT. no one made you God.
8. i hate my brain. it's obsessing way too much. and it's obsessing about something it can't do anything about. my brain needs to take a break and focus. but it's hard to focus when the other obsession is so tantalizing and easy to think about.
9. oh and my latest obsession, where the FUCK are my black flipflops. i sure as hell hope it's not on it's way to texas or in some place OTHER than my room.
10. apparently, i've lost all ability to dance, get low, or anything remotely physically exertive. THIS realllly makes me mad, even tho it's the fault of my own body, i need those moves back. i really really do.
11. and now i've cultivated the habit of having amazingly disturbing dreams in those few precious hours i get to sleep.
12. I'M CONFUSED ABOUT SPRING BREAK. i honestly don't know what the fuck is going on and i dont' kno if my bank account has enough to last the rest of this semester, AND the creepy perv is not being useful at all. so basically i hate when my plans get jerked around by people changing their minds and shit. no not you ashes.. just shit happens. but whatever, it shud still be fun. and, i'm resorting to desperate measures is creepy perv doesn't pull thru. fuck him.
13. people from my past are getting on my nerves. i'm sad to say, but it does.
14. i just realized i lost $30 for no fuckin reason at all. this shit has to stop. i'm not the fuckin world bank.
ok. and u know what else pisses me the fuck off?
BAD ENGLISH.
i'm sorry i've held this in for pretty much too long, but it honestly annoys the shit out of me. seriously, if you're doing slang or it's a typo error, i can deal with it. cos i do shit like that too. but mistakes just piss me off. this is def a general statement. but i just realized it's been pissing me off for way too damn long. and i hate it when it seems that no effort is made to correct it.
oh. and i'm bloody pissed at MYSELF for holding shit in and making myself start feeling pent up. so whatever.
from now on when i'm pissed, i'm saying shit.
yes. lastly, i'm sick and TIRED of my past haunting the fuck out of me. or rather one part of my past.
i'm also sick and tired of apparently being the only one who has good advice for me. people i talk to either gone thru the same thing as me and are like, deal with it. or they never gone thru anything similar and are like, you're stupid for doing that. well fuck it. it's something simple and i shud be able to deal but somehow i'm NOT dealing okay?? it creeps the fuck out of me at night and i'm haunted by it. so i try to focus on the good parts, the parts where i actually had control over what was happening. but then that turns into a fuckin obsession which i don't need. so now what? honestly, the onli thing tat shud give some sort of relief, would prolly be if i cried about it. which i haven't done so far. i can't believe it, i haven't yet. all the embarassment and shock and stupidity i felt, & i still haven't cried. mayb that's my problem. i dont' know. i'm confused. and i'm fucking alone in dealing with this. what the crap. for the first time in my life, i feel like i really can't deal. i just can't deal with it. STUPID. why can't i? it's like, i wanna blame someone for it, but it's my fault, so basically i end up blaming myself, and that doesn't help the sleep. =P i'm like, fuck. so what. simple things, small things, and i lose good hours of sleep over it. ok.
enough ranting. i need to study.
ok.
so we're planning shit for this thursday and friday night.
and honestly, i can't wait.
it's gonna be fun ^^
girls' night?
or mayb not.
mwahahhaa..
we getting stuff from like, the creepy dude, who is getting it from his SOURCE...but who knows who that is, i just hope that i can.
B.c.u.ni.ght. was.....interesting.
and intense.
for me.
went with jj, ss, jdfy, da pepe, dreydrey.....
the skit was about the modern day g.r.e.a.t.c.o.n.t.r.o.v.e.r.s.y....
and....
the message was really ...... intense?
i guess especially so for me, because it was about how music is not amoral, and how bad music brings in demons that your guardian angel has to fight with.
so like, i love my music. and i love dance. and thinking that angels and demons fight around me everytime i turn on my ipod...... kinda makes me think.
i mean i always knew it was bad, yknow? but the skit just made it more ...real.
and of course it dint help that c'lang was one of the scary angels.
.anyway.
on a lighter note. alot of the skit made me almost throw up from laughing tho.
one hilarious part was where one totally shy kid acted the part of a very powerful angel, and he was wearing nothinggggg but a skirt. OMG. and like, he was one of those abercrombieandfitch model lookalikes! but he was white, so.....no interest. lmao. but it was just super funny cos those of us that kno him kno that he's NEVER taken off his shirt before, and now when he does it, it's in front of a frickin live audience. hahahahah. priceless.
the other thing that kept me crackin up was that the guardian angel looked like a lil BIRD cockin his head here and there. omg. i was like, how cud such a scary person look so hilarious..... and then he shouted, and ooookay, still scary, no more hilarious! haha.
it was a pretty fun night. but gave me way too much food for thought.
a lil bit too much food for thought. im starting to feel a bit.....indigested.
i'll blog about the dinner later. i gotta go shower. goin over to ashes place tonight. =)
i have alot to vent.
perhaps because my fingers have not typed for ages and they need a workout.
also, perhaps my brain has found many things to bitch about.
firstly, i hate people who say shit and don't mean shit.
honestly. even tho it dun affect me in anyway, whether you come or you leave,
it don't affect me cos i never been attached to you. why? cos i cud never depend on you. and i can't stand undependable people. so anyway. back to my main point. DON'T EVER PROMISE ME OR MY FRIENDS ANY SHIT THAT YOU CAN'T FULFILL, OR HAVE NO INTENTION OF FULFILLING. i've had this happen to me before. i was sad for the first person, but no tears lost for u my dear.
that was just the minor rant.
now for the super fucking big major one. that i will not say too much about as.....it is a highly repetitive case i guess. but i damn straight better have my fucking opinion. i hate when people, ESPECIALLY GIRLS[cos that's what bitches do] use other people. some bitches use guys. no consideration at all. u destroy my fuckin respect for you as a person, n u make me wanna shove u damned head into a puddle of shit cos prolly that's where it belongs. anyhow.
ok. my rantings are cut short my my need to shower. continnuation tomorrow, or whenever i have the time and energy to typeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee =P
oh gosh oh gosh.
so i've been like getting sick and recovering getting sick and recovering. annoys the crap out of me.
and last night i went to slp over with nads n ashes cos nads was leavin today. so i come back, apply a dash of eyemakeup right, cos im still coughin all over the place and feeling like shitz..
and i walk in the lobby, guessss what. i see c'lang.
craps. and that just annoys me cos if i HAVE to see c'lang i wanna be damn straight confident that im effin hot and rockin it.basically cos i hate it when people lie to me and scare the crap out of me too. like, seriously scare me. that's not easy yea?
and like, i feel awkward since i've basically ignored c'lang for a long time, so i jus was like, how u doin' and shit..
and idk.
he scares me.
alot.
i dont know WHY, but he does.....
anyway!
update update update.. ashes n nads left the school... deans were bein bitches... then i've been sick since last last thursday... guang gave me ganmao medication and liza gave me cold relief stuff but im still on and off having crap. at least the asthma is gone, but now i've got a major headache and cough. and NO i've not been partying or anythin!
so ashes is going to tke me to the doctors tmrw, and i'll help US economy by paying shitloads of cash for tiny pills. then we're going to go to the mall to help her look for a job. =)
valentine's day was depressing, i actually lay in my bed the whole day cos outside ws just too many couples and too many roses and too many hearts. and yes i know i'm in love and someone loves me BUT it still sucked that he's not here. so there. i lay in my bed and slept and watched movies.
GEEEEZ my legs still shakin from seeing c'lang.
i shudnm't be scared.
shudn't at all.
i shud b chilllllll.
but it's hard to be chill when u feel like crap. ^^
oh well, at least i don't have a body the size of a gorilla~~
*laughing mischieviously*
freakishly tired
this is one weird virus..
gives me a sorethroat...but not as bad as the one i had over xmas break
gives me a running nose, but at the same time it feels like i have a horribly strong rubberband wrapped around my chest so i can hardly breathe sometimes.
then it gives me this super queasy feeling in my stomach where i want to throw up. but it's not as bad as when i had stomach flu.
so..
i don't know what i have.
i just know that i need it to go away as soon as possible.
because i have fuckin dance practise and tuition on tuesday.
oh wait.
tuesday?
that's TOMORROW.
fuckkkkk.
im so skipping dance.
walking takes away my breath already.
i'll seriously pass out if i dance.
sorry if i'm complaining a tad much here.
i just feel like shit.
but tryna keep it together by lying super still in bed when im not in class or studying.
however!
i think i owned on the accounting test this mornin tho =P
interessante conversations today..
very interestin...
^^
andddddddd i am chillin today.
very very chill ^^
ahhhhhh~!
vespers...
i slept thru the whole thing.
cos it wasn't dougie bachelorie...
annoying!!!!!!
but one good thing is i don't have to go to church tommorrw i guess ^^
was bored durin vespers, so yea. but at least i slept!
the 5 out of the 7 flowers were there.... makes me laugh everytime i think of it.=P
and my hand has like, tattoos all over it. most of which i dunno what it says....
dammit..
i feel sick..
gonna slp now. =(
i have a sudden inspiration to blog MORE more more more =P
i think,
life is tiring.
but we somehow, somehowwww , fill it with meaning.
don't you ever wonder, how much of what we classify as meaningful is actually meaningful?
even the best of us, we study, shop, socialize, be spiritual and go to church, play sports, maybe do some community work?
but in the end, when everything is over, there's nothing to show for all your efforts to fill your life with meaning. basically, we're just passing time here.
did that ever cross your mind?
kinda makes me wonder sometimes..
then we see those student missionaries, going off to thailand, or read about dr ida who went to india..
they actually HAVE meaning in their lives.
they save people.
and they save people for ETERNITY.
even doctors save lives , but only this life.
teachers, they educate for this life.
lawyers, they protect for this life.
accountants, they budget for this life.
it's only the missionaries, they actually do something that lasts.
what's my point?
go be a missionary.
it's not for everyone tho..
i can't be one..
lol..
so i'll just keep on wasting my time doing meaningful things that last...well....last for the next maybe one hundred years.
you?
maybe you can do it...
go to thailand or india or antartica or something....
meaningful things are really so meaningless sometimes, it makes me laugh.
aights!
i realized that i have two more daughters...
they're so adorable and they fight all the time..
hahahah...
and the funniest thing is, i gave birth to them approximately two years before i was born myself. hmmm.. amazing huh?
and i also realized, i follow the sameeeee routine every time i have history class! i wonder if i'll pass, but this is what i do.
i go in, take the quiz, then copy the first lecture question very very carefully. then i take notes. by the second question, i'm dozing off, but i can stilllll hear the damn teacher. hahaha. so everytime i hear her make some important point or move on to another question for us to copy, i suddenly wake up and write down what she said or what's on the screen. isn't that creepy?? my friend next to me is like... whoaaa... okay??? hah...
oh, and part of the routine is, she'll try to wake me up once every lecture. =P
to finish off each class with a bang, i sit uip straight and listen real careful for the last ten mins. ^^
oh, and i always pay attention when she starts goin off on a tangent about her personal opinion about somethign. =P it's always more interestin than what's in the textbook!!
so yep, that's my private history class routine dearies...
it's an improvement from the last one, where i'd go to class, take the quiz, then plug one ear into my ipod and sleep thru the whole class...mayb take notes for like, whatever he scribbled on the board.
lol...
and guess what?
i'm gettting sick.
fuck.
dammit i have a team project and none of my teammates are taking charge. WTF.
and.
i'm hungry.
so we need to go to lunch.
rite NOW.
skipped all my morning classes today.
and feel very very very guilty about it.
HAHAH!
but on the bright side,
i feel more energetic, which is good, cos i have a TON of hw to do for tmrw... and the day aft... ANDD the day aft. so yeah. whatever.
i needed the rest. hehe.
ha.
just had dance practise down in the basement with dia...
danggg... i haven't practised in...three days? and i suck again. oh well. blame it on the party.
=P
i totally need to stop eating so much. cos it doesn't help me in any way at all. ^^
and..
i need to do laundryyyy. =P
but im lazy to do it. ha bloody ha ^^
and our beds are so fuckin messy right now it kinda stops me from sleeping. bleh.
i gotta do prewritin...it sucks.... help???
HERE"S A POST I WROTE FOR MY THIRD BLOG WHICH U GUYS HAVE NEVER SEEN...
which dun matter cos it's a random blog and i copy random posts from here and paste it there. lol.
honestly............
i'll be really honest...
honestly, i think i have a doublestandard. i'll think whatever my close friends do is alright and well if i hate you, whatever you do will be wrong.
honestly, i think i have commitment issues.
honestly, i know what i do is sometimes wrong but i still do it anyway.
honestly, i get annoyed very easily, but i get over it in less than an hour.
honestly, i enjoy tests cos they give me a feeling of accomplishment.
honestly, i've been antisocial these few weeks. heaven knows why and i'm tryina pull out of it.
honestly, i can't do a rubix cube for the life of me.
honestly, i'm dumb.honestly, i'd rather keep the peace than make my opinions known. usually.
honestly, i like mando-pop very very much. it's in the blood i think.
honestly, if i think you're purposefully trying to get me pissed at you, i won't show that i'm pissed.
honestly, i AM a very violent person. it's a good thing i'm tiny so i don't cause much damage.
honestly, i love not talking.
honestly, i think working is better than studying, just cos i hate homework.
honestly, i have two blogs , just to keep my parents pacified.
honestly, this blog is the least honest blog.[referring to my MYSPACE blog]
honestly, i can stay in my room the whole day and not feel bored. but only one day at a time!
honestly, i went outside to the hall lobby at 4 am to talk on the phone and forgot my card, so i slept in the lobby till my roommate woke up. =P
honestly, i greatly value my personal space, especially if i don't know you well.
honestly, i'm a completely different person when i am....let's just say...feeling crazy. you probably won't recognize me then.
honestly, i hate team projects. i work best alone. but studyin tgh is fun.
honestly, for a chinese, i suck at pingpong, but shan2 is helpin me with that!
honestly, i love breakfasts at CK's but i'm too lazy to walk there often.
honestly, i'm writing this NOT to be honest but just because i'm BORED. and...procrastinating homework. which is...lit and accountin... ah crap.
ohkay now i'm remembering details...
and it's funny actually...
after my 'girls' 'fell aslp'
i lay on the floor and started calling random people...
called Factory...then someone else i can't remember..
then later someone texted me and i cudn't reply thru textin so i called him back.
i was so mean...
feel kinda bad today!
but..
i said it as it is ba...
no interest whatsoever...and movies always inspire me to be honest..so.. yeah =P
oh! i also remember dancing to the song Whatever You Like by TI... that is one heck of a dance song. love love love it. i tihnk that was between movies 2 and 3.
went to ashes bro's house tonite again...just till curfew... and tried watching movies.. i fell aslp tho. =P and now imma back in the dorm thinkin abt going to BED. ahhh. bed. sweet. ^^