Love, Dawn♥

♥Wednesday, February 29, 2012, 11:38 PM

Today was the 29th of February! It happens maybe once in 4 years ? I think. Hehe! Anyway. It was a good day! I'm so tired so this is gonna be a short post. Hehe.

On the way to my second interview today.
I really hope yesterday's one calls to confirm.

Ate lunch and felt like throwing everything up.
Nausea.
Today is NOT a good day.
Can't bring myself to make conversation or sparkle or do any of the things I usually do.

Tomorrow will be better.
Interview interview interview.

On another note, I keep reminding myself that I need to...
Smile more, be more friendly. -.-
Sometimes it's just we get so wrapped up in our own thoughts we forget to pay attention to those around us.
A smile can go a long way.

Today I went to buy fruits with my mom at the fruit store :)
The uncle rushed to help me unload the fruits from the overflowing basket I was struggling to hold on to. He almost dropped a pear but caught it in time and I did a mini girly scream [hurrhurrhurr] and he said in Hokkien... "Don't scream ah! If you scream my legs will go soft you know. When I see you my legs go soft already, you scream and it becomes worse." HAHAHAHAHA. So cute. It's nice to meet nice people who make an effort to talk/joke with you even while they're working. Makes you feel like a human. Instead of a robot just struggling through each day.

Aight that's all the 'deep' wisdom I have for today. Time to go take a nap. :)

Did a 43 hour fast yesterday and then ate normally today. Horrible I know. But whatever. Will start cutting back down slowly till the 28th then see if I can pull off another fast on the 29th. Fasting is much harder than restricting but the satisfaction is there too :) plays havoc with your emotions though.

Shall be having lunch with the gf tomorrow, and Sunday lunch with the fam. Shan't eat more than that if possible. Interviews on mon and tues so I will definitely be eating breakfasts and light lunches on those days.

Slightly obsessed today. Meh. Need to take a step back and breathe.

Cruelty

Catatonic irises shine
Brightly
Lit with unshed teardrops
Stubbornly
Turning the world into odd liquid forms
Terrifying
Choking on soundless screams
Driven
By the pain of a thousand fissures
Rending
That muscle we call a heart

"I can't breathe"

The monsters of a thousand nightmares haunt the darkness
Sound sleep a rare commodity
The soul eroded steadily
Till all that's left is bloodied and raw
Straining hands clenching into fists to stop the shaking
Leaving red marks where the nails pierced skin
The pain hits again and again and again and....
Words flash through synapses
Said and unsaid
They hurt so much. So much.

"I can't see"

Fists slam into the cement wall
Palms scrape against brick
Swim till drowning seems easy
Run till the ground seems to be a void
Push workouts past their limits
Just for those searing acidic pains
Satisfaction of not walking straight the next day
Is it possible to punch yourself in the stomach?
Oh yes it is.

Physical pain beckons enticingly,
& I heed its siren call.
Emotional cruelty makes masochists of us.

Had a date with TatchaK today :)
Went to her place planning to do yoga,
ended up playing around with makeup and our iphones instead.
ah.
How productive, I hear you say!
Well it was fun and i don't care. xD

I've been falling off the bandwagon.
Can't remember the last day I DIDN'T eat a full meal.
Horrible.
Stuck at 44++kg now.
Gonna start planning again.
29th I'm hoping to do a full day fast. It's a freakin leap year man! Gotta do something special. hehe!
Also once i'm done going out these few days I'll get back on track and cut down to mini portions again instead of full meals. Gosh.

Missed a beautiful dieting opportunity today too! was waylaid by THAT STORE which screwed me of about 500 cals. Lol.

ENOUGH ABOUT FOOD AND THE ANNOYING PLENTITUDE OF IT IN MY SYSTEM.

Tomorrow I'll be meetin devikins for a photoshoot!! My first with her! Hope I make it a good one hehe! Want to take pretty pictures of my babe ;)
Dad wants to eat cake at Swensens tomorrow too.
Thursday hopefully I'll go to the gym with yuka and jack up my metabolic rate, then Friday it's gonnna be stay at home and clean house day!
-.-

Can't wait for next thursday.

Went to Peter Gregory's talk tonight! Has lunch before that in Chinatown. Yes! Satisfied my craving for insanely spicy sichuan food. More more
More! :)

The pictures are what happens when kids get too bored. Lol. I love them cuz theyre so adorable. ^^

Anyway! I'm super spent after today! Still didn't manage to get aniphone cover so I'm gonna keep hunting hehe! Sitting in bed looking forward to tomorrow for te first time on a long time! Massage class! Hope I learn something fun!! :£

Nights!

♥Wednesday, February 15, 2012, 10:34 AM

Today was so packed! I'm half asleep but heyyyy! I love my new blogger app hahaha!

Blogging from my phone is amazinggggg! :) still figuring out how to add captions to the pictures tho!

So today was eventful!!!!!!!
I test-cooked something and I didn't burn my whole kitchen/house down!!
Yay me~

HAHAHA.
But seriously. It turned out edible.
Went for a 'run' in the evening,.... ran maybe 10 minutes, walked for 15, then climbed the 14 flights of stairs up to my house. All in all I think I managed to raise my heart rate up enough to burn off whatever FAT i'd eaten while testing my "masterpieces". :) Hopefully anyway.

Went to Cold Storage and shopped for CHOCOLATE. mmmmhmmmm. Lovely lovely chocolate.

And that was my day.

TOMORROW.
I will be getting my iphone 4s if all goes smooooooothly! Look out, world!! ;)

http://www.xiaxue.blogspot.com/2012/02/fat.html

THIS!!!! Is an expression of what I've always felt but never actually wrote. XX is amazing for writing this. :) Love love love love it. I never had anything against Adele or fat people in general, but I've been mightly annoyed at the growing trend in the media glamorizing the overweight.

I mean.
If you're gonna be fat, then have the balls to admit it. Don't try and find some cute name for it... 'Thick' just means guys forgive you for being fat cuz the fat is MAINLY in your boobs and ass. 'Curvy' just means you COULD BE fit and curvy if you tried a lil but then you'd be called sexy instead of curvy. 'Big boned' people could never have bones that fucking big. I could go on.

The first thing is REALIZING and ADMITTING you are fat. Then either accept it, and be happy, or work your ass off [hurhur] to change it.

Again, no offense to fat/plump/overweight people. Heck, I think I'm overweight myself. But I don't go around saying "oooh I've got big bones!" or "well I like my curves" because face it. Fat is fat. If you're curvy kinda fat, you'd be sexy if you lost weight. If you're plump, it just takes a few kilos to be normal. So why the heck wouldn't you? -.-'''

Cuz either you are contented with who you are and what you look like, which is fine, it's brilliant actually cuz it means you have a really high level of self confidence, but BUT don't try and JUSTIFY being fat. Have the balls to say "yeah I'm fat but I'm okay with it." OR... you're lazy and you lack discipline. Either way, just admit it.

Same goes for everything else in life.
If you're a Christian who drinks and goes clubbing, have the balls to admit it. Don't try and justify or rationalize it away.
If you're lazy and you don't study hard enough, don't tell me the 'course was stupid' or 'i wasn't very interested anyway' just admit you didn't have the persistence and determination to see it through.

Let's just say it like how it is. No need for pussyfooting around things. Sheesh!!!!!!!

Okay I digress.
Read her blog entry. She says it better than I could ever.

Today was so funfunfunfunfunfunfunfun :)
was a good diet day too!

Anyway. Went to One Fullerton for photography... managed to get some nice pictures even though we didn't walk around much at all.. hehe. Waiting for Uncle to give us the photos!!!!! :) Excited!!!! Chewed on a dark chocolate bar the whole time because I would have been too stoned if I didn't. LOL! Seriously hate standing up and blacking out. It's like the most annoying thing ever and you lose 10 seconds just standing there waiting for it to clear up. Meh.

ANYWAY! The sky was gorgeous today, my gf tatchykins was mega uber gorgeous with her curled hair, and basically we just had a lot of quiet fun playing with cameras~~

Loved the Bokeh effect with Uncle's camera!!!! I want bokeh lens. I WANT. Next on my to-buy list!!! x)

kinda my fave pic of the day from my cam. :)

Feel like I'm spinning without a center.
Funny feeling.

Okay!
Had recept duty today...had to wear that hideousssss dress. Oh the horror. I felt like a....idk... what's a word for really dumb person?

Quick breakfast after that, which I regretted because kaya toast is way too sweet. Shall figure out a different breakfast to eat next time.
Church, stoned. Lunch was awesome. Went to Poon Nah city with sexyass for MHK after the longest time. Hehe. Was delish. :)
Reached home and was planning to run after my nap, but woke up from my nap coughing. -.- I guess not then.

Shall stone for the rest of the night.
Don't feel like blogging anymore.
Sometimes it's like I don't want to talk, but then I force myself to, and then whatever I end up saying makes no sense at all. Like now. Some days it's really better to just sleep. :)

This too shall pass.

This – What you’re going through right now, at this very moment, this thing that’s tearing you apart and that’s leaving you bloodless and soulless broken and bleeding on the floor.. this thing...
too – This thing wasn’t the first event in your life to hurt you, remember? There have been other times that felt horrible too, times that felt like you weren’t going to make it but you did, because you’re alive now, aren’t you?

shall – Not “maybe”, not “possibly”, not “if you do this or that or pluto turns into the sun”, but it “SHALL”. A fundamentally definite word. It shall be done. It shall be as I will it. It shall come to pass. You can’t get more definite than that
pass – You know that feeling when you walk past something scary [like an overturned cockroach on the floor]? You know it’s still there, you have a memory of seeing it there, yet you have passed it. It has passed. Sure, you’re going to know, yes, I saw a cockroach on the floor and I screamed in horror and jumped 6 inches off the floor, but it isn’t next to you anymore. It has passed.

This too shall pass.

It tells me that this pain, this THING that’s hurting me right now, just like everything else that I’ve been through, will most definitely and assuredly pass away. It will pass away, and become the past, and I will be hurt by it no more

Of course it may well be up to me, or another person, to make the pain stop. But it will. It will pass. :)

Went out with 3 of my secondary school friends today.
We seem to be doing this on a regular basis.
I'm glad. It's lovely spending time with you guys.
Me? Always terrified in groups...people think i'm antisocial but really i'm just socially retarded.. Not the same thing. When there's more than two people my mind usually goes blank and everything becomes one big big confusing blur. COME TO THINK OF IT. I should get myself tested or something.
But yes, my point is, that somehow I enjoy it every single time with them. Hope they feel the same ;) (hugs and kisses muahh muahhh!)

Dev, Ducks, and I met for a movie.. Underworld 3... SO GOOD. Nothing deep but lots of action and gore and special effects... and yes I'm in the mood for gore. Gory glorious goopy gore. Even thinking of watching Ghost Rider. Not my usual genre of movie but I'm feeling it I guess? =P
The one scene I found hilarious in Underworld was when the kid was cutting herself ala emo teen mode... and her cuts kept healing right away thanks to her genetics. Idk why but i couldn't stop laughing. -.-

Later we went to Nihon Mura for dinner with Tatcha...did not have the buffet which was good...poor Duck. HAHAHA. Girls will be girls. Wasabi is and will always be AWESOME SAUCE.

Sat there and laughed/bitched/reminisced for a couple hours, till they were about to close, then we moved to Starbucks and continued over frappes and lattes [?]...or that green 'mossy' thing that T drank hahaha. XD Before we knew it it was 11 and we were running for the trains.

Reached home before 12...started working out at 12. Was a really short workout [20 mins?] interspersed with tweeting [-.-] but I managed to jack my heartrate high up enough to burn some of the fat and sugar I swallowed today. Yikes. So worth it though! Did 3-4 mins straight of crunches... shall increase the intensity of the workout tomorrow... hopefully by next week I'll be back to my pre-falling-sick stamina. =D I need to workout SO BAD. You probably won't understand the frustration. Anyway.

Gonna shower and get ready for bed. Managed to work all the darned caffeine out of my system. YESSSSS *happy*

♥Wednesday, February 08, 2012, 11:45 PM

So exhausted that for one period of time I was so dizzy that I would have literally lain down on the floor in the middle of the shopping mall. Had to keep stopping and resting while shopping too. Pathetic.

Previous 4 posts...

1) How it started.
2) Motivation.
3) Down time.
4) What now.

Excited for the new deadline!

24th Feb here I come!

Now.
I'm happy at 45kg.
Not satisfied.
It's infinitely better than being 48kg... even though it doesn't sound like much, I can wear things I haven't been able to wear comfortably, I can go out in the day and not feel suffocated by the heat, I feel cold more than I feel hot now. It's lovely.

The next step is to reach 43kg by the 24th of February. If I dont make it by the 24th, I have to make it by the 29th.

Will I reward myself when I reach 43? No. I'm just going to look in the mirror and pray and hope I dont find myself fat anymore.

I'm not going to stay at 43 forever, it's unrealistic. But I definitely want to maintain 45kg until I get pregnant [whenever that is] because I feel awesome and light and happy.

I want to be thin because I want to feel feminine, I want to feel light, I want to be comfortable. I want to look in the mirror and not wince at random bits of body fat.

I still love food.
I just eat less.

I do it 50% for me.

I won't lie. Dieting makes your emotions go into overdrive. You get snappy, cranky, irritable, grumpy, sensitive. Then add being sick. Or PMS-ing. And you have the perfect recipe for a social disaster.

Then there's the self-hate everytime you overeat.
Weekends are the worst, those times when you HAVE to eat because it's family dinner, or family lunch. I can't go out for lunch with my dad and say I'm not going to eat. He'd pitch a fit. So I eat.

Coped with it by making up for it on mondays and tuesdays. LOL.
Undo the damage, so to speak.

Basically the crappiest part is how it became an obsession. I plan meals, plan days, which days i'd have to eat and which days I could eat as little as possible. Religiously weighing yourself twice a day, then freaking out and getting irrationally depressed if the numbers went up.

The worst was this period of 48 hours where I knew I'd lost weight, but when I looked in the mirror, I felt like it wasn't enough, and it'd never be enough. That was scary. But it was okay after the numbers dropped again.

It turns into a numbers game. I obsess, I plan, I rage that i can't exercise [sick]... but I think it's worth it. Just have to be careful of not going over that edge. Cuz it really ain't the edge of nothing glorious.

I love food.
I'm singaporean. We eat. Alot.
Food is awesome, amazing, and makes you happy.
So what was strong enough to motivate me to control the amount of food I was eating?

One month.

3 kilograms.

Doesn’t sound like a lot does it?
It sure feels like a lot when you’re trying to lose it.

When I was young, I was so skinny you could pretty much count every rib. Hahaha. My aunt used to joke I could be played as a guitar. Gotta love the metabolism of kids eh?
In high school I used to be normal. Never the kind of girl people would look at and freak out about how skeletal she looked, but also not fat. More normal than skinny really. I thinkkk I was around 47-48kg. Was never happy with my weight but never did anything about it.
Then I went to America to study. Oh boy. In one year my weight went up all the way to 54 kilos. Honestly with the kind of food I was eating, I’d have expected to be 60++ but thankfully (I think??) I stayed at the still salvageable 54. Came back home and thanks to a whole bunch of ‘love life’ problems, managed to drop back to 48 in less than(?) 6 months. *shudders*
In the two years since coming back, my weight has fluctuated between 50 and 48+… Never actually ever being 48 kg or lower. Times when I was 50…I felt like a flippin WHALE. You may say I exaggerate, but you don’t have to look at me naked in the mirror. I do. And everytime I’d flip out, but still never had the will to do anything active about it. Times when I was 48+…I’d be less annoyed at the mirror but still never content.

I graduated from my university course and went to the States for about three weeks for a family holiday. Thanks to exam stress and moremoremore exercise (haaahaaa)…I was in my 48+ range. And then it happened. The best Christmas present ever.

---I met my ex roommate from Southern. And when I saw her, my very first reaction (after “omgomgomg I’ve missed youuuu!!”) was “Girl you’ve lost SO much weight!!!” I mean she was TINYY. And I was inspired. If she could do it, so could I! Although our body types aren’t similar, we’re about the same height (she’s a lil taller) and our metabolic rates seem to be similar. It’s like, my bffs in singapore are either insanely skinny (genetics, I swear! Lol) OR a lot taller and um..more well-endowed than me. So I remember thinking, why not? If she could do it, I’m definitely going to tryy! At least I know it’s from sheer hard work not from genetics or anything. Lol.
I came back and surprisingly my 3 week stint in USA hadn’t made me put on any weight, I’d even lost a little. Huh. Told one of my bffs (the one that isn’t perpetually underweight) about my plan to reach 45 kg, and the sadistic OCD adorable little darling decided to put BOTH of us on a one month deadline. Apparently she’d also decided to lose a certain amount of weight.
January 7th was our starting date. And now on February 7th, I’ve accomplished my goal! Sure, 3 kilos isn’t much. But for the first time I don't hate/dislike my body.

Woke up at 3pm today. Horrifying. But I needed the sleep badly.
Been having a really rough week. Kinda. It's better now.

Anyway!
I woke up and discovered mom was still home, she apparently decided to take the day off to stay home with me. awww. Sweetest! Sadly, she wanted to go eat. And there goes my plan for not eating today. Went to Little India to eat at our favorite place, Ananda Bhavan. It was SOOOO good. I ate even though I knew I'd regret it after. HAHAHA. Walked around Mustafa for a couple hours after...so dusty and dirty but there were so many things in jsut one shopping center! amazing.

My legs are so weak right now, everytime I walk just even for short distances I have this great urge to sit down. Even if it's on the floor. Or just stop walking and stand blankly in the middle of nowhere. LOL. I'm sucha retard.

After Mustafa my BFF told me it was Chu15 today!! I ddin't even know! Chap Gor Meh ~~~ so we went to Hougang to buy Tang Yuan.. brought home 3 bowls and I ate a whole serving. -.-''' Fat.
I'm craving like a million and one things right now but I refuse to eat them. WILLPOWER BABY!!
Now i'm home and blogging and half asleep. Need sleep. NEED SLEEP. I feel like a robot. Focusing all my energy into achieving my goal weight because I dont want to/can't think about anything else.

OMGGGGG. So screwed for tomorrow. Tomorrow is the 7th, I'm supposed to weigh 45kg at NIGHT. Which is near darn impossible thanks to all the food I've eaten today. Oh well. We'll see. :)

After that the new round will start on the 10th till the 24th/28th... new goal weight: 43kg.
Let's go!!!!!!!!

Sunday!!!
:)
Woke up late, since I slept at around..oh idk...6 am this morning. -.-
Rushed to walk the dogs, showered, then met gramps for lunch. Lalalalalaaa~
Went to Macpherson to eat. Love that place. And it's awesome because I dont mind the heat anymore....I'm cold when I'm indoors so being outdoors even during the hottest time of the day feels alright. =D
Ate half my ta mee and dad finished it for me... no dinner tonight!
Reached home...
emoemoemoemoemoemo.
Then decided to pull myself together and smileeeee!
Bipolar. HAHAHA.
Anyway.
Want to go out tonight.
Maybe.
Depends.
I'm gonna take a nap. :)

I just found something.
Sleep is probably going to be out of the question for awhile.
Or maybe it will be easier.
I feel peace.
Finally.

Read my old posts from 2008.. feb through to april.
April's posts kinda of reflect how i'm feeling now.
Except with one very big difference...
I dont dare to write like that anymore.
It's.... gone. I'm almost afraid to say what I think and I think it's pointless too because honestly, you'll never see this.
You've prolly stopped reading this years ago.
But reading the old archives reminded me of a time...
A time that I .
Trying to blog here again is hard...
It's hard because I feel vulnerable..
to people.
Yet I do it.
I do it for the 0.000000000001% chance that you still come here.
It's freakin 2008 all over again, just 4 years later.
I'd have thought I was smarter but I'm not.

I'm just me. Same. as. always. Huh.

[Okay but this picture is way too dark. Too bad. It's night time. =P ]

Today!
Awesome. Managed to drag myself down to church which was totally worth it because Mr Fam was preaching. :)

Was coughing like a retard thru the sermon though... yt too.. we had synchronized coughing. LOL. Anyway.

So I was sitting quietly in church, and aimlessly scrolling thru facebook.. those of you who have smartphones and who have a very..um...fidgety mind will understand that sometimes listening isn't enough. You have to do SOMETHING. And that something is usually scrolling blindly through twitter/facebook. =D Yeah. Then all of a sudden this gwai lo next to me who shall not be named [but feel freee to guess] decided to lean over and tell me "Can you put that away."

I was so confused I literally stared at him for a full two seconds before going "oh okay" and slipping my phone into my handbag.

BUT SERIOUSLY?
I mean I know I'm going to be 21, and I can't be a stupid childish kid anymore, and that's why I didn't say anything, that's why I didn't ignore him and keep using my phone just to piss him off more. I just kept it. and smiled. and said okay.

That doesn't mean I'm okay with it though. I mean, who are you to tell me what to do? really. Can you even control your own kid? Does your kid sit with you in church? No. So dont come tell me what to do when you dont even know what your kid is doing in church [not that ur kid is doing anything bad but i'm just saying]. Fool.

ANYWAY! :)
Small people, small things.

After church we went to eat at Sakae... had 6 sushi for lunch! nomz. And hot green tea. SO good when you're not feeling too well. :) Talked and chatted for a couple hours.. missed my BFFF so much. There's some things that only she and I can understand. and she gives me strength to keep breathing. I hope I help her too sometimes. *hearts*

Rushed back home cuz I was super tired and then crashed. Slept all the way till 9 plus. Now i'm awake. AWAKE. and quite alert. Oops. Shall attempt to go back to sleep soon.

Byebyee~ *

It's one of those times when suddenly you know.
You just know.
And everything grows cold around you and you open your eyes but you can't see anything.
It's happened before.
So I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
I'm just...cold.
So cold.

I saw a friend's blog today... after more than a year.. LOL.. I just haven't been keeping up with blogs too well okay? Anyway. The blog was filled, literally filled, with the joys of a new relationship. And it isn't new, new. It's been months. But still so sweet. It's so touching and inspiring and just basically makes you want to start drawing candy coloured rainbows with pastel flowers hahaha. :D
It also made me wonder how they do it.

Where did I go wrong?
:)

Cue self-reflection time.

Feeling so much stronger today! Can't wait to start going out next week, I NEED to watch Underworld, have not yet decided when to watch it. Lol. Swept the floor, dyed mom's hair, applied for jobs online, and managed to stay awake almost all day till around 7pm when I gave up and crashed..slept about an hour before dinner at 8... I ate SO much for dinner I feel horrible now. Just horrible. Trying to blog and listen to music and read to take my mind off of the insane amount of DAMAGE I'm doing to my diet.

Oh well. At least it was all vegan.

New episode of The Mentalist and The Finder and Big bang Theory and Person of Interest are out... I'm insanely excited for some reason. Small things make me happy, it's a proven fact. :)

I'm working hard to be happy. Finding peace and clarity among the stresses of life [ie: weight/no job/personal issues].

Gotta be strong and keep breathing. :)

I haveeee resurrected this blog. Refuse to give up on it because i've had it for YEARS. It's literally my diary, kind of... lately I've written more about my thoughts than my daily life but I guess I should get back on that soon. Can't wait to get my iphone so I can blog on blogspot using the app! Blackberries dont have an app for blogger..travesty...I know.

Lately...I haven't been doing much. Went through a rough patch that left me gasping for air [literally, i got asthma, how FUN] so I haven't been able to do much. Frustrating. Really. But I guess it's giving me some times to 'find myself' and try to sort things out in my brain? Idk. Further backkk, I graduated, looking for a job now, the same old same old...I actually miss typing on a keyboard. Hmm. Anyway! Yes. Had a lovely holiday in the States for about 3 weeks, got inspired to lose weight, came back, started a diet [which i shall blog about at a later time, when it's completed.] andd yeah. That's about it.

Anyway. Changed up the blogskin, rearranged my playlist [the last song was getting on my nerves], and I shall blog. For myself mostly. Since I honestly don't think anyone reads this. heh heh. All the better. I can rant here. :)

Toodles~

You try so hard to grow up and cope with things that happen in your life, and those things change you, and 3 or 4 years later you're looking at yourself in the mirror, and you hate what you see. You're filled with self-doubt that every single bad thing that's happened to you or around you is more or less your fault. Sure. You talk a good game, you keep your head up when people are around, you smile and laugh and tell people you're doing just fine. But at night, when the sun drops below the horizon, everything goes to pieces. You look at yourself and you wonder if this is who you are.. this paranoid weak person that second guesses every single thing she does because she can't even trust herself. You cry even though you're probably too old to cry, not tears of self-pity, but tears of self-doubt. "What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why has it become like this?" are questions that run through your mind for hours after you're supposed to be asleep. And you want to tell someone about it but those that matter, they just dont understand, ~~or they just aren't there~~.

It's this continuous struggle to be better, to be more perfect, to somehow hopefully impossibly one day attain perfection. It's this desperate fight to just be who you think people who matter want you to be. Yet at the end of the day, you stand in front of the mirror and you see yourself, and you wonder if this is really '~~better~~'.. if this is really what you're supposed to do and who you're supposed to be. And you hate it. Because you want to be strong. You dont want this..this weakness. So every morning you wake up and you tell yourself, "Today, I will be better."

Or is it just me?